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Wasp, meet fig
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10-31-2026, 05:35 PM
A red, red rose can only grow
a bitter thorn from bitter dirt, but my more digestive love entices fortune's arrow-tips to alchemise, with subtle art, the sweeter fibre of her heart. 
10-31-2026, 10:15 PM
(10-31-2026, 05:35 PM)hylas Wrote: A red, red rose can only grow Hi, Hylas, welcome to the Pen. For me, starting off with the double red and the rose was a no-go. I can see the poem attempts to put a new spin on the cliche but that's a difficult task. "Digestive love" is odd but thought provoking, "fortune's arrow-tips to alchemise" is lovely. (my spell check wants alchemize.) Ending on a rhyme amplifies the greeting card quality of the cliche for me. Interested to see if any edits change my mind, I hope you enjoy the site.  Edit: Great title.
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Sig for newbs: How To Post An Edit ______________________ Sig for myself: milo said: Once you think of something new, then you get the easy task of wording it in clever or interesting ways, using a bible's worth of poetic devices to make it richer - you know, the easy stuff. First step has to be the original thought though. 
Yesterday, 03:20 AM
(10-31-2026, 05:35 PM)hylas Wrote: A red, red rose can only grow Hey dude yeah this is all really rough. Good advice is probably to resist all these impulses. This is just a distasteful approach to what a poem is, albeit a common approach: speaker adopts a conceit and then explains their trouble directly, but with an extended metaphor or series of metaphors. The problem here is the chosen gestures are cliches and/or hamfisted in execution. "my more digestive love" is really bad! :3 "entices fortune's arrow-tips to alchemise" you are just doing way too much. The sentence reads like you wrote it plain then went through and changed each individual word into something fancier. This generally describes the voice throughout the poem: ornate for its own sake. Meanwhile if we parse the actual content it seems vague and general. Who is she? How do they interact? We really could not say, other than that the speaker thinks there is bad love and good love and their love is good. It's like it could be a funny poem but I think the speaker is being earnest. Maybe it is actually light verse? I think it is the poem's fault though, not mine, that I can't really tell how I am meant to receive it. Wasp/fig is a cool idea. This approach isn't elevating it.
Yesterday, 01:07 PM
Thank you both! I was trying to make fun of the speaker (the archaisms, "digestive", etc), but agree you can't really tell. TY for reading anyway
Yesterday, 01:56 PM
(Yesterday, 01:07 PM)hylas Wrote: Thank you both! I was trying to make fun of the speaker (the archaisms, "digestive", etc), but agree you can't really tell. TY for reading anyway yeah I see it now. eventually I had no choice but to explore satire as a possibility, since it was so bad lol but like why? what's the point? curious what you envisioned
Yesterday, 06:17 PM
(Yesterday, 01:56 PM)matsunosuperfan Wrote:(Yesterday, 01:07 PM)hylas Wrote: Thank you both! I was trying to make fun of the speaker (the archaisms, "digestive", etc), but agree you can't really tell. TY for reading anyway :) I'm not sure there was much envisioning involved lol. I just think bad metaphysical conceits are fun in a campy way :) |
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