Texas in July

[matsunosuperfan]

Texas in July

By midnight I was tired of pretending 
this was real. There’s nothing more pathetic than a man 
faking an orgasm, and Javier was somewhere else 
when lightning touched his guts. The sex was good enough
but something buried deep in that apartment 
smelled like someone rich had died
while working on his tan, a sheen of oil
on all the molecules, like Texas in July.

It crossed my mind that I would kill
to have the last two hours back, before he looked at me
like I was something he could drink. “You'll die
if we do that again--" A line cut out between his legs
full of sin and Red Bull, grinning 
like he just grew wings. I’m not young anymore
we both knew it was true, but when an angel tries so hard 
to fall in love, sometimes you have to lie.

[brynmawr1]

Texas in July     Consider doing more with the title since it's in the body of the poem.

By midnight I was tired of pretending I like the line break, but what follows is somewhat implied in "pretending" so not sure "this was real" adds much.
this was real. There’s nothing more pathetic than a man 
faking an orgasm, and Javier was somewhere else 
when lightning touched his guts. The sex was good enough  I think I know what this means but not sure how it fits into the narrative in a constructive way as it doesn't tie into anything later
but something buried deep in that apartment 
smelled like someone rich had died
while working on his tan, a sheen of oil
on all the molecules, like Texas in July.   I like the idea of the apartment being tainted and the simile has potential but takes three lines to develop and in the end is not grounded in something tangible that links the smell of a dead rich person (not sure what that would be like) and the feeling of Texas in July.

It crossed my mind that I would kill  this line is provacative but comes across as border-line gratuitous
to have the last two hours back, before he looked at me  consider something like "but then" or "until"
like I was something he could drink. “You'll die  not sure who's talking here, narrator?
if we do that again--" A line cut out between his legs  these next lines are good but I struggle a bit with the first bit, seems a little forced
full of sin and Red Bull, grinning 
like he just grew wings. I’m not young anymore  not sure who's talking here, also think there should be a full stop at the end of this line.
we both knew it was true, but when an angel tries so hard I like the angel metaphor but seems to close to the set up of "wings"  would work better if the idea was planted earlier somehow,IMO
to fall in love, sometimes you have to lie.    consider inverting the last clauses to end on "...fall in love"

Hi Matso,

I have enjoyed this poem.  In light of recent suggestions made in other threads I will give you my thoughts on what is happening.  For me the poem is a compelling narrative of passion soured by time and likely, circumstance, like a nice piece of fruit now overly ripe.  There is a lot left unsaid to good effect which helps keep interest without tending to obscurity.  I find the execution to be hindered by some wordiness that could easily be removed without losing the conversational tone.

Regarding the ending, someone lying about love (or the lack of it) is less interesting or surprising than the image of an angel struggling with that love.

Two other things to consider playing around with, 1) changing to the present tense, and 2) changing point of view to 3rd person.

The images are novel but sometimes don't quite land for me on closer reading.  However, I do think that as a whole effectively convey the mood of the scene as I outlined above.  Susan Sontag wrote an essay about how art is meant to be experienced rather than understood.  In this light, I think the poem is successful, and only needs minor tweaking.
Thanks for the read,
Bryn

[matsunosuperfan]

Thanks for reading, Bryn! I appreciate the specific notes, some of those quibbles gave me pause too so it's good to get confirmation on where a wrinkle is standing out. Glad you think the piece works overall. I worry that the sentiment and diction are too common.

I don't usually respond this specifically but I found your suggestion about the last line interesting, in that I much prefer it as written ending on "love" makes the line too smoothly iambic pentameter, which along with the more positive ordering gives it an almost cloying taste, for me. This speaker, I feel, wants to emphasize the lying.

Title is a placeholder, can't find a good one yet. Good call out.

[busker]

Texas in July

By midnight I was tired of pretending 
this was real. There’s nothing more pathetic than a man 
faking an orgasm, and Javier was somewhere else 
when lightning touched his guts. The sex was good enough
but something buried deep in that apartment 
smelled like someone rich had died
while working on his tan, a sheen of oil
on all the molecules, like Texas in July.

It crossed my mind that I would kill
to have the last two hours back, before he looked at me
like I was something he could drink. “You'll die
if we do that again--" A line cut out between his legs
full of sin and Red Bull, grinning 
like he just grew wings. I’m not young anymore
we both knew it was true, but when an angel tries so hard 
to fall in love, sometimes you have to lie.

In green are the obviously outstanding lines.
There is too much enjambment going on in this poem. Enjambment is ok to propel a pome along, to create a hypnotic trance, as if the pome can’t wait to move on from line to line.
I find an overuse of it here, which given the rather bathetic topic, makes it feel gimmicky.

I yes, I find the subject to be rather dull, like something you’d read in a 90s women’s magazine. But that’s a personal preference.

[matsunosuperfan]

Thanks for taking the time busker, yeah reading it again I am also bored. Scrap it!