Awed by Everything

[Wildcard]

the notes flutter,
distinct wings of stained glass
to me, but he
grew jaded,
pawed for them,
for validation.

he played.
stumbled through mud:
greenhorn.

is that what poets think of me?

took him
for a rookie,
but when squinting . . .
a flutter floating,
the wings
between errors.

a stunted songster, blundered strums,
yet passion bubbled.
a child
awed by everything.

is that what poets think of me?

Original:

the notes flutter,
distinct wings of stained glass
to me, but he
grew jaded,
pawed for them . . .
for validation.

he played.
stumbled through
mud.
greenhorn.

I wonder if that's what poets think of me.

saw him
for a rookie,
but when squinting . . .
a flutter,
the wings

between errors.
a stunted songster, blundered strums,
yet passion bubbled.
a child
awed
by everything.

I wonder if that's what poets think of me.

[billy]

hi AA.

of the first two lines, the latter is the most powerful. would it work better as the first line? (only a suggestion)
the thing that needs a little work as far as i can see, is the enjambment.

todd did a post called "the line" in the discussion forum which is a good read about 'the line'. enjambment is touched upon there as well.

a stunted songster, blundered strums, i think this is a great line for any poet too create. the content of the poem for me, could be truly enhance by using "the line" to best effect.

thanks for the read.

[Leanne]

the notes flutter,
distinct wings of stained glass -- brilliant image, and unlike Billy, I think it's introduced really nicely by the previous line
to me, but he -- excellent use of rhyme
grew jaded,
pawed for them . . . -- I'd prefer to see a comma here than an ellipsis
for validation.

he played.
stumbled through
mud. -- this could probably join the previous line, and end with a colon maybe?
greenhorn.

I wonder if that's what poets think of me.

saw him -- what about "took him" instead?
for a rookie,
but when squinting . . .
a flutter,
the wings -- what about a little reversal, "the wings/fluttered"

between errors.
a stunted songster, blundered strums, -- great line
yet passion bubbled.
a child
awed
by everything. -- I'd put this up on the previous line

I wonder if that's what poets think of me. -- if you feel like stringing this out a tiny bit more, you can emphasis "of me" by putting it on a line by itself

Nothing gives me a bigger kick than recognising in someone else the same passion I have (or maybe once had) for something I'm reasonably decent at -- it's the best way to remind me of why I started doing it in the first place.

Though I never call myself a poet, more of a grammar cheat and word mangler

[Wildcard]

After a few days here I see that in this world, I am rookie number one.
As a musician, I am sometimes irritated by anxious amatuers and their 'discoveries.' What they think is the shiniest penny looks like its been run over by a train and shat on by a dinosaur to me. It's always the same guy. He bounces up wanting to play my guitar at shows, between sets. He plays the same shit as the last guy, as if they have meetings on Wednesday's at the volunteer fire department.
Most of these guys haven't learned one complete song ever, but without fail, they have written a song of their own for your listening pleasure. :flipped:
If I am gonna understand the poems that you people write, I am gonna have to do some serious study. :p I have just started 'The Ode Less Travelled,' so I may post a lot of iambic pentameter soon . . .

Billy,
I am still working through Todd's post. Thanks for your suggestions. I will definitely take them to heart.
I played with the first two lines around a little, but I am still not sure about that one.

Leanne:
I am trying to get some imagery into my stuff and show more. The 'stained glass' thing is a little trite, I guess, but it did everything that I needed it to do: represent pretty, intricate and delicate.
Thanks for the puncuation suggestions. Although I've always read a lot, I never could seem to get the hang of the ellipsis or the semi-colon. But I have a book on that too
'awed by everything' should be one line - why didn't I think of that? . . . of course it should.
I might change the last line, but I like the way it looks matching the earlier 'refrain(?)'

In Fry's book's introduction, he is talking about everybody having the tools to be a poet and unlike other art forms we all practice the units of poetry everyday when we communicate with others and I couldn't believe I'd never considered it that way. So I'm learning the rules now . . . :cla:

[grannyjill]

(Stephen Fry is my hero - The Ode Less Travelled my most-thumbed book)

I am a novice poet, so please excuse my inability to analyse your poem properly.

Simply, I should like to say how much I enjoyed reading your opening phrase - 'the notes flutter/distinct wings of stained glass' it gave me that 'oh yes!' feeling. Then I was gifted with the delightful 'to me, but he' line. And the remainder of the poem kept rewarding me as I read on.

Thank you, grannyjill
ps I don't know if this is allowed - but, I've just looked out a poem I wrote about Stephen Fry and his book, and thought I would share it with you.

I Love Stephen Fry

I love Stephen Fry
You may ask me ‘Why?’
Because he’s erudite and witty,
an upstanding Englishman,
though I admit he’s far from pretty.
(How did he get that battered boxer’s nose?)

He’s as graceful as an orang-utan,
as tall as a giraffe
and without much effort on his part
he always makes me laugh.
I sit close up to the TV screen
so no witticism I miss,
and when no one is looking
I give the screen a kiss.

He knows everything about everything
in this universe
Undoubtedly he even knows
I’m reciting this little verse.
I love him for his honesty, his charm
and his floppy hair
I love how he bears an umbrella
with quintessential English flare.
I love the way he enunciates,
(Articulation is his forte)
though a twinkle in his eye shows
he can be rather naughty. (sorry)

Above all these marvellous traits
what really does it for me
is that he loves, with an undying love,
all forms of poetry.
My bible is ‘The Ode Less Travelled’
A gem you must agree!
Dog-eared, and battered
it goes everywhere with me.

[Todd]

Hi AA,

From my experience the thing about writing poetry is we're all rookie number one in some aspect. There are so many areas to improve and than a lot of work to integrate what we've learned. I think Fry's book is really good, but the most important thing is that you want to improve (that's what gets you there eventually). These are my stages of growth for various new things I pick up:

I have no idea what I'm doing

I do some things right but I'm not sure why. I have glimpses of real cool work stuck next to crap. This is the stage of desperately needing inspiration to get any worthwhile output.

I gain a level of control over the skill.

When you get done with Fry let us know. We can probably all throw some other good resources your way.

the notes flutter,
distinct wings of stained glass--these two lines are awesome. The use of flutter and wings makes the reader think of a butterfly and the stained glass just drives it home. It's also a great image because you can envision notes floating in the air
to me, but he
grew jaded,
pawed for them,
for validation.

he played.
stumbled through mud:--I keep wanting to hyphenate the word here. It may not be the best choice but I was thinking (and it's just a thought).

he stumble-
played through mud:
greenhorn.

is that what poets think of me?

took him
for a rookie,
but when squinting . . .--maybe stay with the f sounds but faintly saw
a flutter floating,
the wings
between errors.

a stunted songster, blundered strums,--agree with the other's love this line
yet passion bubbled.
a child
awed by everything.

is that what poets think of me?

Original:

the notes flutter,
distinct wings of stained glass
to me, but he
grew jaded,
pawed for them . . .
for validation.

he played.
stumbled through
mud.
greenhorn.

I wonder if that's what poets think of me.

saw him
for a rookie,
but when squinting . . .
a flutter,
the wings

between errors.
a stunted songster, blundered strums,
yet passion bubbled.
a child
awed
by everything.

I wonder if that's what poets think of me.

It's a good rewrite. It's a good piece.

Love your enthusiasm.

Best,

Todd

[Wildcard]

Granny I'm guessing you kinda like this Fry guy :p I liked your ode to the 'Ode' writer. My sincere thanks for your compliments and for taking time to read this.

Todd, your advice is always sound, it seems. The puncuation problem will need some time, but I think 'faintly saw' is great for what I'm trying to do. (I'm assuming stumble-played was not a typo) I'm fond of it, but I need to step away and come back after a few more of these damned enjambment exercizes.