Posts: 478
Threads: 56
Joined: Oct 2011
v. 2 edits to get a little tighter *cough* leanne *cough*
Still separated by a pane of glass,
I find the newt sunbathing on a stone.
Despite the plastic surface the rock has
and wire unwinding like a taut backbone,
he does not touch the water, instead avoids
the sheet that threatens his surrounded isle.
He bakes in sun and sits, the earth devoid
of other food or life, with time to while
away as though the day were just a chore;
the nights, habits too young to put to sleep;
the dawn, a neighbor peeking through the door
as dusk regrets yesterday's retreat
but maybe the newt, all along, has seen
worry outside the cage, and feels freed.
v. 1
Still separated by a pane of glass,
I find the newt sunbathing on a stone.
Despite the touch of plastic that it has
and wire that unwinds like taut backbone,
he does not touch the water, instead avoids
the very sheet that covers his lone isle.
The surface bakes in sun and sits, devoid
of other life or food, just time to while
away as though the day were just a chore;
the nights, habits too young to put to sleep;
the dawn, a neighbor peeking through the door
as dusk regrets yesterday's retreat.
Maybe the newt, all along, has seen
worry outside the cage, and feels freed.
Written only for you to consider.
Posts: 444
Threads: 285
Joined: Nov 2011
Bless you for contemplating newts.
"the nights, habits too young to put to sleep;"
- Am still assimilating and liking.
P.S. And, whenever I hear newt:
Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.
Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!
- from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Bless you for making Ray think of Monty Python before I got a chance to say anything
I must ask, though, what your ideas are on the etymology of the saying "pissed as a newt"... although you probably don't have it in your part of the world... perhaps newts in Commonwealth countries are more partial to the demon drink...
Anyway. How much simpler life would be if one were only there to be contemplated. No worries beyond the possibility of dessication, which of course one would not be concerned with if one's brain were newt-sized...
You need to watch words like "just" and "that" -- they become fillers and should really be replaced by more specific words. I am deliberately avoiding all thoughts of regular meter, because I quite like the way this gently meanders along.
It could be worse
