Another Lull in the Storm:

[billy]

2nd edit (small and hence, quick )


The boy screams defiance at the unseen
and runs around the table like a great banshee;
followed by his sister; a banshee with a lesser voice,
scary nonetheless.

His school friend's eyes are fearful; wearing the look of

'What The Fuck?'

as he tries valiantly to join in,
and fails because he's in love with the lesser banshee.
She finds him amusing enough to tease and ridicule,
when his affections are pointed out.

The great banshee wants to carry on his vocal mayhem
but is outclassed by his pink haired mother.
The lesser banshee giggles 'cause she's not being busted,
then gets lambasted as usual.

Packed off to bed;
threatened with violence and theft
friend dispersed to his own enemy.
Granddad thinks

'Thank fuck for that'.

---

i tried busted and lambasted instead of copping and cop for the sake of clarity, i realise me knowing what i mean doesn't make it clear. also encompassed the other valid points.
thanks for the solid feedback dale.

1st edit

The boy screams defiance at the unseen
and runs around the table like a great banshee;
followed by his sister; a banshee with a lesser voice,
scary non less.

His school friend's eyes are fearful; wearing the look of

'What The Fuck'

as he tries valiantly to join in,
and fails because he's in love with the lesser banshee
She finds him amusing enough to tease and ridicule,
when his affections are pointed out.

The great banshee wants to carry on his vocal mayhem
but is outclassed by his pink haired mother.
The lesser banshee giggles 'cause she's not copping any blame,
then cops it as usual.

Packed off to bed;
threatened with violence and theft
friend dispersed to his own enemy.
Granddad thinks
'Thank fuck for that'.

---

i tried to clean it up rearranged it in parts though i'm not sure the format works still open to feedback thanks everyone.

Original:

He screams defiance at the unseen
and runs around the table
like a great banshee;
followed by his sister
a banshee with a lesser voice,
but scary non less.

His friend eyes are fearful;
they hold that 'What The Fuck' look.
He tries to join in valiantly,
fails because he's in love
with the lesser banshee
who finds him amusing enough
to tease and ridicule,
when his affections are pointed out.

The great banshee
wants to carry on his vocal mayhem
but is outclassed
by his pink haired mother.
The lesser banshee giggles
'cause she's not copping it,
then cops it as usual.

Packed off to bed;
threatened with violence and theft
friend dispersed to his own enemy.
Granddad thinks
'Thank fuck for that'.

[Erthona]

"non less" ???

Personally, I could stand for a tad bit more explanation of whose who. This seemed like young children, and I think they are, but the 2nd stanza was confusing with:

"His friend eyes are fearful;
they hold that 'What The Fuck' look.
He tries to join in valiantly,
fails because he's in love
with the lesser banshee"

as it doesn't really jive with the rest. Maybe it's a dog?

Not really sure what you mean by

"'cause she's not copping on,
then cops on as usual."

It seems there are about three different ways this could be read, and none make a lot od sense to me.

cop= admit, or get, or take/grab?

I like the idea and the metaphor, and feel like this is probably Billy as Granddad. It would just be nice if you fleshed it out a little more.

Dale

[billy]

the person in the 2nd is his friend, in the 1st there's a boy and girl.
the boy in the 2nd is in love with the girl.

copping it (well spotted) it should have been copping on
and it is about the grandkids.

i'll see what i can do when i get to do an edit on it, i will change the cop thing now.

thanks for the feedback.

[Indie]

He screams defiance at the unseen
and runs around the table
like a great banshee;
followed by his sister
a banshee with a lesser voice,
but scary non less.

His friend eyes are fearful;
they hold that 'What The Fuck' look.
He tries to join in valiantly,
fails because he's in love
with the lesser banshee
who finds him amusing enough
to tease and ridicule,
when his affections are pointed out.

^ This verse is rather ambiguous. It wasn't until I looked at the comments that this was clarified for me. I thought the brother was in love with the sister, not the friend. Just my observation.

The great banshee
wants to carry on his vocal mayhem
but is outclassed
by his pink haired mother.
The lesser banshee giggles
'cause she's not copping it,
then cops it as usual.

Packed off to bed;
threatened with violence and theft
friend dispersed to his own enemy.
Granddad thinks
'Thank fuck for that'.

I love the concept of this, though it took me a couple of reads to grasp it all. Beginning a poem with "he" is risky. I did work out who "he" was, maybe better off starting off with, "the boy", IMHO.

Indie.

[billy]

thanks indie.

i'll be doing an edit tomorrow after i catch up on some posting

[Erthona]

bout time!

[billy]

sorry for the wait, i was menstruating bad grammar
the 1st edit's on the opening post.

[Erthona]

Much more clearly written, I don't have to struggle to figure out who is who and what is going on, and can instead focus on the scene being painted.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is "non less" suppose to be "none the less" in some kind of dialect? I've never seen it used.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A period after line eight.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The use of "copping" then "cop" seems a bit much (but I'm not sure I really like the word much anyway).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Thank fuck for that'. Needs to be set off as you did the other quote.

Regardless, much better.

Dale

[billy]

did another small edit for clarity sake

[Indie]

Wow, this is great. Tighter, sharper. Just a couple of nits, 'What The Fuck' should be 'What The Fuck?' and nonetheless is one word not three.

Indie

---

and for some reason quote doesn't seem to be working for me :/

[billy]

thanks for the pointers indie, i'll sort them out now.

you have to highlight what you want to quote

[Indie]

no probs, thank for the edit.

I did what I normally do with the reply and it came up with the [name ... quote... dateline bit... ] text here [quote] without actually quoting any of it, just leaving it in html code.

[billy]

try it again and post what you get

---

[quote='Indie' pid='95879' dateline='1336530512']
no probs, thank for the edit.

I did what I normally do with the reply and it came up with the [name ... quote... dateline bit... ] text here

without actually quoting any of it, just leaving it in html code.

[Indie]

2nd edit (small and hence, quick )


The boy screams defiance at the unseen
and runs around the table like a great banshee;
followed by his sister; a banshee with a lesser voice,
scary nonetheless.

His school friend's eyes are fearful; wearing the look of

'What The Fuck?'

as he tries valiantly to join in,
and fails because he's in love with the lesser banshee.
She finds him amusing enough to tease and ridicule,
when his affections are pointed out.

The great banshee wants to carry on his vocal mayhem
but is outclassed by his pink haired mother.
The lesser banshee giggles 'cause she's not being busted,
then gets lambasted as usual.

Packed off to bed;
threatened with violence and theft
friend dispersed to his own enemy.
Granddad thinks

'Thank fuck for that'.

(This is just what I did before)

Wow, this is great. Tighter, sharper. Just a couple of nits, 'What The Fuck' should be 'What The Fuck?' and nonetheless is one word not three.

Indie Smile and for some reason quote doesn't seem to be working for me :/

---

haha, it worked this time, yay!

[billy]

it's like deja vu, glad you got it working.

[Philatone]

hey billy

the piece reads like a report to me. It has a lot of action, but little description or imagery to complement (even verbs like "want," and "outclass" are difficult to imagine), and proceeds in a very linear progression. I'm not saying any of these are issues, but they lend the poem a sense of distance that I wasn't fond of. It didn't feel natural for a story with children

[billy]

you haven't seen my grandkids

i get where your coming from and will look at it agains to see if something can be done.
thanks for the feedback as always