Boxes of Blood

[a vermits]

you had:
little boxes of blood
for my birthday,
just a little something

-you said
just a little something for you:
a little
box of blood

for your birthday
-you said, a box of blood:
just a little
thoughtful -you said,
for you
brought you: little

boxes full of
blood -you said,
birthdays or (something I picked
up) anyways, oh maybe just

-a little
a small thing really:
your heart,
little boxes: just blood

for a birthday
small: your hearts,
insides, boxes of blood
for your birthday -you said

small: blood, hearts, boxes:
no big thing

open it
-you said

[arbil_poieo]

At first I didn't understand the repetition but then I read it over again and I like it, it's nicely done. I like the pauses, I kinda had to read it out loud and to me the most of the pauses are just as strong as the words.

"for your birthday
-you said, a box of blood:
just a little
thoughtful-you said
for you
brought you: little"

It kinda doesn't sound right to me, maybe there are too many pauses in it that aren't necessary
My other concern is using the word "anyways" this is just my preference but I don't like the word "anyways" and I think it takes away from the poem, it's distracting to me.
I don't know if this was on purpose but I noticed that you've been repeating "boxes" meaning plural but then in a couple of lines you put "box" I might be thinking too much about it so I was wondering if you meant to do that or what.

I think you nailed the ending, just those 2 lines and the pause was strong enough to have it stand alone, it's probably not everyones cup of tea but I really appreciate it.
The other thing that I really like is that it isn't so obvious, this concept and format is new to me and I think that's what attracted me to it in the first place, it takes a lot of reading to actually understand it and I don't think I even completely understand it, but it's so appealing that you want to reread it.

This was a fun read, I learned a new style from this and I like the simple casual words you used.

[Erthona]

I like this, it is funny, and I think you capture it well.

I don't think this probably reads as you intended. I understand it is suppose to be mimicking the speech pattern of the main character/ speaker. We will call her the "open your heart to me" woman. Yet it seems overly chopped for a normal speech pattern, or even an effected one. I think a little less staccato and a little more legato, with the quarter note equal to, say 120, like a good Sousa march, instead of quarter note equals 160 (like a speed freak's heart rate), as it is now.

Punctuation is the problem in that it ultimately fails to convey what we want it too. Personally, I like it's use, even at times it's overuse, but you will find that I am in the minority here on that subject.

After having read a number of your poem, I begin to think you are like a fungus, and though somewhat repulsive, you are starting to grow on me none-the-less. Oh well, I will simply consume your poetry and it can go and live with the rest of the flora and fauna of my intestinal tract. :p


Dale

[billy]

it's fuckin weird to say the least

but really enjoyable once you get into it. it's like a coded message that i'm having fun trying to find.
i know it has something to do with boxes and blood and birthdays

thanks for the read and twenty five minutes of fun

[tectak]

I like this, it is funny, and I think you capture it well.

I don't think this probably reads as you intended. I understand it is suppose to be mimicking the speech pattern of the main character/ speaker. We will call her the "open your heart to me" woman. Yet it seems overly chopped for a normal speech pattern, or even an effected one. I think a little less staccato and a little more legato, with the quarter note equal to, say 120, like a good Sousa march, instead of quarter note equals 160 (like a speed freak's heart rate), as it is now.

Punctuation is the problem in that it ultimately fails to convey what we want it too. Personally, I like it's use, even at times it's overuse, but you will find that I am in the minority here on that subject.

After having read a number of your poem, I begin to think you are like a fungus, and though somewhat repulsive, you are starting to grow on me none-the-less. Oh well, I will simply consume your poetry and it can go and live with the rest of the flora and fauna of my intestinal tract. :p


Dale

poxy plagiarist purloining penicilin