07-25-2012, 06:38 PM
@billy
You did do the original, it's on mild. I upgraded to serious hah.
I'll think about your suggestion for the next edit. Thankyou for the feedback! Really appreciated.
@Philatone
I see what you mean about making them match adjective-wise. I'll consider that for the next edit.
I think I do need "like" because it is the suggestion she asked more then one, and that they were all similar, and that the following is an example... Unless something else would work better.
I don't understand what you mean by did I feel compelled to close the piece... Do you mean describe her death? Completely. What is the point in describing what happened if you don't conclude it? You're giving me the impression you think this is a fictional story, but this is a real event, a real girl. I've dressed it up because some details are just too much but it is still the truth and I can't change the story itself. Leaving out her actual death wouldn't cut it for me. The formality of the last verse reflects the situation - the police, the ambulance, the air of horror and secrecy passed through the services involved with her as if they didn't expect it.
You did do the original, it's on mild. I upgraded to serious hah.
I'll think about your suggestion for the next edit. Thankyou for the feedback! Really appreciated.
@Philatone
I see what you mean about making them match adjective-wise. I'll consider that for the next edit.
I think I do need "like" because it is the suggestion she asked more then one, and that they were all similar, and that the following is an example... Unless something else would work better.
I don't understand what you mean by did I feel compelled to close the piece... Do you mean describe her death? Completely. What is the point in describing what happened if you don't conclude it? You're giving me the impression you think this is a fictional story, but this is a real event, a real girl. I've dressed it up because some details are just too much but it is still the truth and I can't change the story itself. Leaving out her actual death wouldn't cut it for me. The formality of the last verse reflects the situation - the police, the ambulance, the air of horror and secrecy passed through the services involved with her as if they didn't expect it.