08-15-2012, 07:23 PM
I'd second Leanne's suggestion about removing the first verse.
Death and his sidekick panic - that would be a great start. The 2nd verse is very good. I'd make it one long sentence
where my dad would drive to work and back home
from the chemical plant where the “Mexicans” - do you need the quotes?
and keep him alive until Denton Cooley
learned to do cardiopulmonary bypass surgery,
by stealing from the leg and giving to the heart
The lines above are great, poignant, childlike.
I'd reverse the order in these lines:
Emotional raw meat wondering if this was it
at every chest muscle twinge - and maybe lose "being afraid" at the end of the verse.
Knowing makes me no more able to help him then,
than I am able to help myself now.
But "Knowing" what? Again, it feels like the statements should be reversed.
The best of the poem is in verses 2 and 3. I felt it went on a little too long at the end.
Ray
Death and his sidekick panic - that would be a great start. The 2nd verse is very good. I'd make it one long sentence
where my dad would drive to work and back home
from the chemical plant where the “Mexicans” - do you need the quotes?
and keep him alive until Denton Cooley
learned to do cardiopulmonary bypass surgery,
by stealing from the leg and giving to the heart
The lines above are great, poignant, childlike.
I'd reverse the order in these lines:
Emotional raw meat wondering if this was it
at every chest muscle twinge - and maybe lose "being afraid" at the end of the verse.
Knowing makes me no more able to help him then,
than I am able to help myself now.
But "Knowing" what? Again, it feels like the statements should be reversed.
The best of the poem is in verses 2 and 3. I felt it went on a little too long at the end.
Ray
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.