10-26-2012, 09:34 AM
The sentiments you presented here are inspiring and thought-provoking. Though you were speaking of yourself, I certainly could relate 
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You mention that it wasn't originally written as a poem, and it shows. By the latter half of the piece you have resorted to "telling" rather than showing, reciting your musings at the reader rather than expressing the same ideas through imagery/ narrative. You got stuck on answering the question / constructing an argument, rather than presenting an organic scene. So I think in that respect the piece could be improved.
. You mention that it wasn't originally written as a poem, and it shows. By the latter half of the piece you have resorted to "telling" rather than showing, reciting your musings at the reader rather than expressing the same ideas through imagery/ narrative. You got stuck on answering the question / constructing an argument, rather than presenting an organic scene. So I think in that respect the piece could be improved.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?