The onset of winter

[Rose Love]

Oh my God, I love this poem! Why did you change it? Put it back! Seriously, I think this one is infinitely better!

Hello to you Rose love and thak you for such a nice comment.
Em just to comment on my own poem if that seems ok. Someone pointed out to me that I overused some words in this ie, cold, death and this stood to make it one dimensional. I also think that it was a bit overdrawn. I guess I just have to find the balance. But thank you again for your kind words
[/quote]

I see what you mean about the repetitions with "death" and "dead," but that is just a little cosmetic stuff that a thesaurus could help with. This revision is an entirely different poem. For one thing, the "stood" in the first line needs to be there, IMO. It lends a lot to the setting. (Apparently I completely disagree with Todd.) The word "stood" enabled me to see a pale female standing amid the greyness. In fact, at first I thought they might be actual people. The "stood" emphasizes the contrast between her paleness and the cold dead grey. It also lends a better rhythm to the poem. Without it, and with many of the other changes, it reads more like prose.

I might as well just go through these--I also disagree with Todd's comment on the 2nd line and I miss that line as well and liked it.

Regarding the "huge expanse," I agree that it could be redundant, but if it were my poem, I think I would focus solely on the idea of the overwhelming vastness of him, and not mix in another adjective, as it takes away from the impact of his vastness.

I suppose I would just find synonyms or alternative words for the repeated words. Seriously, though, I really love this one. Maybe partially because I have written a few things about the onset of autumn, and autumn is like...my nemesis and I have written something similar to this poem about autumn. I get inexplicably taken with a darkness, a depression and a loneliness when autumn comes around and I just don't get it. Anyway, this is better than what I have written about autumn--although it wasn't a poem, per se, and it was a very personal piece, so maybe "different" from this one is a better way to describe it.

Anyway, I was quite impressed by this one. I can say, when I read this, I felt a kind of...I felt him as a predator or this very masculine, dominant presence and her as this delicate, vulnerable, feminine flower that he was about to abuse and that made an impact on me too.