12-21-2012, 06:04 AM
Pete, this is lovely. The mood is reverential and your control of language is excellent. I especially like "I smelled eternity".
I have very few suggestions. L2 seems a little wordy to me and I'm not sure that "memory-filled" adds anything (it's implied by the rest of the poem really). In L9, I wonder if just "she showed me/ where" might not work?
Other than that, there's a typo on butterscotch and that's pretty much all I've got.
On a side note, you don't have to post in novice first -- if you're ready for heavier critique, you can post in those forums whenever you feel like it.
I have very few suggestions. L2 seems a little wordy to me and I'm not sure that "memory-filled" adds anything (it's implied by the rest of the poem really). In L9, I wonder if just "she showed me/ where" might not work?
Other than that, there's a typo on butterscotch and that's pretty much all I've got.
On a side note, you don't have to post in novice first -- if you're ready for heavier critique, you can post in those forums whenever you feel like it.
It could be worse