12-21-2012, 03:31 PM
Hi ellz 
You seem to have a good idea of the kind of intimacy you want to convey, and the tension / desperation that underlies that. My main criticism is not about the rhythm, as such, but the vagueness of the narrative. At the beginning you establish that the two characters are sitting across each other, separated by a table; by the end they are making love. There is a reference to a quiet room (indoors), but later there is a breeze (outdoors); there is no hint or explanation for the switch in scenario. An explanation isn't strictly necessary, mind; we don't want to get too literal here. But the transition should be implicit and organic enough that it intuitively makes sense to the reader; otherwise it interrupts the suspension of disbelief. Just my two cents.
Thanks for the share
You seem to have a good idea of the kind of intimacy you want to convey, and the tension / desperation that underlies that. My main criticism is not about the rhythm, as such, but the vagueness of the narrative. At the beginning you establish that the two characters are sitting across each other, separated by a table; by the end they are making love. There is a reference to a quiet room (indoors), but later there is a breeze (outdoors); there is no hint or explanation for the switch in scenario. An explanation isn't strictly necessary, mind; we don't want to get too literal here. But the transition should be implicit and organic enough that it intuitively makes sense to the reader; otherwise it interrupts the suspension of disbelief. Just my two cents.
Thanks for the share
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?