"The smell of love"

[ellz483]

thank you all so much!

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I sit across from him at the table
My heart has known his for many months now
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
My fingers find his hand and lace around it

Emotion pulses under my skin
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver
Love’s sting on the back of my neck

We exchange words in the quiet room
They carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided

The air settles, dense, below us
The breeze dies down and grants us peace
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.



Please tell me what you think- it's intended to have a sort-of choppy rhythm, but if you find a way to make it a bit smoother, that would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.

NEW, EDITED VERSION!!! MUCH BETTER, I THINK!

"The Smell of Love"

I sit across from him at the table
My heart has known his for many months now
Meeting in secret, away from prying eyes
Drinking from café cups and using borrowed silverware.
We exchange words in the buzzing coffee house
That carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided.
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
Together, yet, still apart;
His fingers find my hand and lace around it
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver-
Love’s sting on the back of my neck
As I ignore the patient waiter
Never mind the special! His smile is my dessert.
The air settles, dense, below us
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.