01-13-2013, 12:08 PM
Do, however, be careful to not shove metaphors down the reader's throat. Sometimes brevity is better. Starkness can be more powerful.
Remember that there are different types of emotions. If I was to try and describe a confusing emotion, like love, I might compare it to something else to elaborate. Fear, though, is a primal feeling.
You do switch your rhyme scheme from stanza to stanza, but that's hardly important. Something that does catch me a bit more is that you used "am" in two stanzas but used "was" in only one. A different tense or conjugation might be better, but I'm not entirely sure how. If there is a way to do that, I think it would make your poem better, but I do think it is very nice on its own.
Remember that there are different types of emotions. If I was to try and describe a confusing emotion, like love, I might compare it to something else to elaborate. Fear, though, is a primal feeling.
You do switch your rhyme scheme from stanza to stanza, but that's hardly important. Something that does catch me a bit more is that you used "am" in two stanzas but used "was" in only one. A different tense or conjugation might be better, but I'm not entirely sure how. If there is a way to do that, I think it would make your poem better, but I do think it is very nice on its own.
Won't be seeing you through the field of tears I left behind