You're Out!
#5
(01-27-2013, 10:18 AM)brandontoh Wrote:  I'm not too familiar with baseball but being a sport freak is enough to allow me to enjoy the idea and execution of this piece.

You're Out!
The bat's dropped,
Thud unheard.
All that's left,
A sandstorm trail.

If no-one hears a thud - does it happen?
I'm guessing sand is kicked up as the batter sets off on his run - enough to be likened to a storm?


Ball flying low,
Then it skids,
Rippling on the sandy lake.

"Rippling" seems more appropriate to the sandy lake" than the ball.

Eye on target, square in sight.
Wee upward curve speaks aplomb.
Sweeping dive, time for progress.
Now, wait for the grit curtain
To fall.

In L1 of this stanza is the target a square? The comma tells me 'square in sight' is a colloquialism - if so are you repeating yourself with these two phrases?
'speaks aplomb' - I'm having trouble with your meaning here.
I can only guess at the rest of the stanza's significance. But I do assume you paint a vivid picture of baseball action.


Wait, the baseman is touching.
When?
How?
Peek at the foot, a gap revealed.
Small in number, large in scale.

As above, but this Stanza is slightly clearer for me. The significance of the two questions puzzles me. The answer to "When?" is surely 'now'. The second Q. - 'How is the baseman touching?' I don't fully get.

Eyelids shut, lead heart sinks,
As umpire avers with 2 syllables.
Like a dull thud.

I know this is ridiculously pedantic but "Eyelids shut" has suddenly struck me as less correct than 'Eyes shut'! This isn't a criticism just something I've noticed for the first time - a door shuts the room but doesn't shut itself if you know what I mean. Eyelids may lower or fall or cover the eyes.(Feel free to ignore that last bit!)
"Lead heart sinks" sounds as if the heart was already made of lead even before the umpires fateful words which make up a great ending.
This critique doesn't focus on how much I enjoyed and appreciate what you've put together.
Respect, Pete Ak
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Messages In This Thread
You're Out! - by brandontoh - 01-27-2013, 10:18 AM
RE: You're Out! - by oligoclonal - 01-28-2013, 06:01 AM
RE: You're Out! - by brandontoh - 01-28-2013, 02:50 PM
RE: You're Out! - by popeye - 01-28-2013, 03:16 PM
RE: You're Out! - by Pete Ak - 01-28-2013, 10:01 PM
RE: You're Out! - by brandontoh - 01-28-2013, 11:44 PM
RE: You're Out! - by heslopian - 01-29-2013, 03:14 PM



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