01-30-2013, 02:15 AM
Hi Brandon, this is just an opinion I mostly like the first one better. On is better than in for the couch preposition. I like leading with damaged and ending with imposing for the stature. I do however like fighter more than warrior. I think I would make losers singular. That's it.
I love the title. The first one had more power for me. Many might disagree, but those are my thoughts.
Here's my Sonnetina Cinque and my move.
More Than What Glitters
Qe7
The little man will often deign
to spin coarse straw in gilded braid,
and at the feet of vapid maid
the pyrite of his heart is laid.
But will she delve the hidden vein?
I am a queen without a crown.
Frogs are not due a lady’s word.
Your name itself is darkness slurred.
I see no debt that’s been incurred.
My first born son I’d rather drown.
I love the title. The first one had more power for me. Many might disagree, but those are my thoughts.
Here's my Sonnetina Cinque and my move.
More Than What Glitters
Qe7
The little man will often deign
to spin coarse straw in gilded braid,
and at the feet of vapid maid
the pyrite of his heart is laid.
But will she delve the hidden vein?
I am a queen without a crown.
Frogs are not due a lady’s word.
Your name itself is darkness slurred.
I see no debt that’s been incurred.
My first born son I’d rather drown.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson