"The smell of love"

[tectak]

A line by line, though late to this.
I sit across from him at the table as an opening line, this is emphatically very difficult I/ sit a/cross from/him at/the table.....or tay/ble?....but the next line is just tortured. Read it yourself, out loud
My heart has known his for many months now
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
My fingers find his hand and lace around itHmmmm. You could really do some work on this stanza. The almost deliberate (difficult to get it so wrong by accident )random rhythm destroys the intent.To be absolutely fair, I CAN read it in a rhythmical way but the overwhelming feeling is that these are song lyrics and only you know the tune

Emotion pulses under my skin
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver
Love’s sting on the back of my neck Just too crammed full of cliches to avoid making the point; emotion pulses, blood rushes, touch is electric......but too late for recovery, love's sting is novel but is it apt. Jury out on this for me. Cupid's arrow would give you a full house

We exchange words in the quiet room
They carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided preachy but not precise enough to encourage belief. Drop this stanza. It is technically what is called "not very good"

I think you would be asked to leave the restaurant and get a room. Suddenly we are al fresco. And that pungent smell? Are you sure it's not Brown Windsor Soup smell drifing over from the next table?
The air settles, dense, below us
The breeze dies down and grants us peace
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.
Hi,
You are a victim of self-deception. You write from an emotional corner but expect to be judged on a different stage. Why else would you excuse the choppy rhythm (a major problem) by declaring it a deliberate feature whilst asking how to smooth it out? Do not allow yourself to be happy in mediocrity. This piece is good enough to workshopped in to a nice effort. To stop the choppy rhythm, don't write it with choppy rhythm.
Best,
tectak


Please tell me what you think- it's intended to have a sort-of choppy rhythm, but if you find a way to make it a bit smoother, that would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.