"The smell of love"

[brandontoh]

thank you all so much!

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[quote='ellz483' pid='108996' dateline='1356067741']

NEW, EDITED VERSION!!! MUCH BETTER, I THINK!

"The Smell of Love"

I sit across from him at the table -- This first line in my opinion is redundant. It doesn't really contribute much to the poem. You can say it sets up the scene, but in the next few lines that is achieved. Also, the next line will serve better as the first in drawing interest I feel.
My heart has known his for many months now
Meeting in secret, away from prying eyes -- This line is a little too 'telling'. This is a great chance to introduce a strong imagery, so I think a reword will work wonders here. For example, 'In the dingy cafe booth, a private room of sorts.'
Drinking from café cups and using borrowed silverware.
We exchange words in the buzzing coffee house
That carry in them thoughts rarely shared -- These lines are good. The imagery is strong and you got the point across quite poignantly.
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided. -- These 2 lines, on the other hand, can be strengthened further. Maybe something like 'we know what we want, the conversations but a bridge' or anything similar.
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
Together, yet, still apart;
His fingers find my hand and lace around it
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver-
Love’s sting on the back of my neck
As I ignore the patient waiter
Never mind the special! His smile is my dessert.
The air settles, dense, below us
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love. -- The rest is really good. I like the action involved and how you sort of bring the reader into this very touchy and flirtatious mindset. One final complaint is that you can think of dividing this poem up into 2 stanzas instead? =) Hope I'm of help!