"The smell of love"

[tectak]

thank you all so much!

---

I sit across from him at the table
My heart has known his for many months now
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
My fingers find his hand and lace around it

Emotion pulses under my skin
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver
Love’s sting on the back of my neck

We exchange words in the quiet room
They carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided

The air settles, dense, below us
The breeze dies down and grants us peace
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.



Please tell me what you think- it's intended to have a sort-of choppy rhythm, but if you find a way to make it a bit smoother, that would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.

NEW, EDITED VERSION!!! MUCH BETTER, I THINK!
Yes. It is better.....but
"The Smell of Love"

I sit across from him at the table This line seems unimportant and just like an old sock lying where it fell. It should be tidied away
My heart has known his for many months now fullstop
Meeting in secret, away from prying eyes "We meet in secret....", otherwise you are saying your hearts meet in secret. Using "we" also sets up a nice structural base. See the follow on:
We meet in secret, away from prying eyes,
drink from café cups and use borrowed silverware.
Drinking from café cups and using borrowed silverware.
We exchange words in the buzzing coffee house
That carry in them thoughts rarely shared full stop
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided. I am still preached to by this line and find that I actually disagree with it diametrically. Also, I do not think you mean "futile" . I think you mean "unnecessary", "superfluous", "gratuitous"...yes... or .....well, its your poem. Get the thesaurus out
His stare closes the distance between o[ur bodies semi colon here, then...
Together, yet, still apart; You capitalise every line. It is an irritation and a poetic affectation now, thankfully, becoming outdated. So. "together, yet still apart. "
His fingers find my hand and lace around it This is still strangely difficult to picture. I cannot handkerchief my finger on it, though. Got it. Lace is too nouny. Sentence complete so full stop
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks Any bloody punctuation would help this line end
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver- ...except a dash! What is it for?
Love’s sting on the back of my neck From this point on you gave up. You simply MUST punctuate back to clarity. The word "as" implies more than just simultaneous timing....it is also conditional. Do you ignore the waiter because of the sting or is the sting BECAUSE the waiter is patient? Needs looking at
As I ignore the patient waiter
Never mind the special! His smile is my dessert. Middle aged granny, in love for the second time around. Completely out of character with the piece
The air settles, dense, below us
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.

It is better....
Best,
tectak

---

thank you all so much!

---

I sit across from him at the table
My heart has known his for many months now
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
My fingers find his hand and lace around it

Emotion pulses under my skin
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver
Love’s sting on the back of my neck

We exchange words in the quiet room
They carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided

The air settles, dense, below us
The breeze dies down and grants us peace
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.



Please tell me what you think- it's intended to have a sort-of choppy rhythm, but if you find a way to make it a bit smoother, that would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.

NEW, EDITED VERSION!!! MUCH BETTER, I THINK!
Yes. It is better.....but
"The Smell of Love"

I sit across from him at the table This line seems unimportant and just like an old sock lying where it fell. It should be tidied away
My heart has known his for many months now fullstop
Meeting in secret, away from prying eyes "We meet in secret....", otherwise you are saying your hearts meet in secret. Using "we" also sets up a nice structural base. See the follow on:
We meet in secret, away from prying eyes,
drink from café cups and use borrowed silverware.
Drinking from café cups and using borrowed silverware.
We exchange words in the buzzing coffee house
That carry in them thoughts rarely shared full stop
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided. I am still preached to by this line and find that I actually disagree with it diametrically. Also, I do not think you mean "futile" . I think you mean "unnecessary" ,"superfluous" , "gratuitous"...yes...or .....well, its your poem. Get the thesaurus out
His stare closes the distance between our bodies semi colon here, then...
Together, yet, still apart; You capitalise every line. It is an irritation and a poetic affectation now, thankfully, becoming outdated. So. "together, yet still apart. "
His fingers find my hand and lace around it This is still strangely difficult to picture. I cannot handkerchief my finger on it, though. Got it. Lace is too nouny. Sentence complete so full stop
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks Any bloody punctuation would help this line end
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver- ...except a dash! What is it for?
Love’s sting on the back of my neck From this point on you gave up. You simply MUST punctuate back to clarity. The word "as" implies more than just simultaneous timing....it is also conditional. Do you ignore the waiter because of the sting or is the sting BECAUSE the waiter is patient? Needs looking at
As I ignore the patient waiter
Never mind the special! His smile is my dessert. Middle aged granny, in love for the second time around. Completely out of character with the piece
The air settles, dense, below us
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.

It is better....
Best,
tectak