03-06-2013, 04:35 AM
Hi escorial,
whilst tectak's comments are undoubtedly on the mark in terms of calling this a list, in the spirit of the mild section I would like to try and offer you a little encouragment and a few hints.
I did pick up a sense of lonelyness and emptyness from your poem. The idea that the existance of a nightshift worker is one of being shut off from others and closed / hidden to the rest of society.
In terms of what to do next either with this poem if you wish to try an edit or on your next poem, try to offer some more images in your poems, rather than just a flat statement. So for example you could say that the rain was beating the drum of retreat as the bus wafted in, with the calm dominance of ownership over the road. (Not a poetic line but the idea of how you can allow your thoughts to make pictures from a statement).
Think of your words as being tasty little morsel for the reader to chew over and enjoy.
Also there are many different exercises you can have a go at in the poetry practice threads...perhaps have a look at some of the examples in there to gain some new ideas.
Thank you for posting and just keep writing.
AJ.
whilst tectak's comments are undoubtedly on the mark in terms of calling this a list, in the spirit of the mild section I would like to try and offer you a little encouragment and a few hints.
I did pick up a sense of lonelyness and emptyness from your poem. The idea that the existance of a nightshift worker is one of being shut off from others and closed / hidden to the rest of society.
In terms of what to do next either with this poem if you wish to try an edit or on your next poem, try to offer some more images in your poems, rather than just a flat statement. So for example you could say that the rain was beating the drum of retreat as the bus wafted in, with the calm dominance of ownership over the road. (Not a poetic line but the idea of how you can allow your thoughts to make pictures from a statement).
Think of your words as being tasty little morsel for the reader to chew over and enjoy.
Also there are many different exercises you can have a go at in the poetry practice threads...perhaps have a look at some of the examples in there to gain some new ideas.
Thank you for posting and just keep writing.
AJ.