No title, but could use some advice

[Brett David]

I understand a lot better now. I'll definitely focus on that and check out that section of the forums.

I appreciate the help and words of advice.

I did a quick rewrite just now to get rid of some of the extra things in there. Here it is if anyone wants to see it.

Iris wiggles the toes beneath his folded sheets
As a breeze brushes against his cold damp cheek
His pupils widen as hes greeted with whitewashed walls of an old fleet

As a fish on a line flops and breaks free
Gasping for air that never seems to breach
Lays stranded on foreign shores he soon starts to reek
While Iris flails his arms but hes just out of reach

Arms over under he crosses his heart
The feel of a thump to the beat of his left drum
He shuffles his feet and manages a hum

Up in the sky vicious dark clouds are strung along
Iris snaps to attention with a quick salute
Then is to fetch his one manned canoe

Takes what he needs and heads to the roof
While catchin a glimpse of dark seas and floating figurines
His screams mimicked by jeering echoed cracks of lighting

Iris awakens from the nightmare he did contract
Looks to the sight of white washed wallks of an old mans retreat
To sit and think a thousand ways to fill a head which always remained empty