03-14-2013, 01:50 AM
Would appreciate any and all suggestions (including binning) particularly with the last line, doesn't seem quite right.
Revision 1
I have chosen a dense dress
that covers my ankles.
Forcing down my budding breasts
puts the pastor at ease.
In my mind I am Mary.
With ribbons, I tie back red,
the root of all evil.
Beneath the dark river
water steals my breath.
Dying here so young,
awaiting rebirth.
The cleansing doesn’t come.
Soaked and solemn in the sun,
I loosen wet ribbons.
Original
I have chosen a dense dress
that covers my ankles.
Forcing down my budding breasts
puts the pastor at ease.
In my mind I am the virgin Mary.
With ribbons, I tie back red,
the root of all evil.
Beneath the river dark
water steals my breath.
Dying here so young,
awaiting rebirth.
The cleansing doesn’t come.
Soaked and solemn in the sun.
I loosen wet ribbons,
nothing more to be done.
Revision 1
I have chosen a dense dress
that covers my ankles.
Forcing down my budding breasts
puts the pastor at ease.
In my mind I am Mary.
With ribbons, I tie back red,
the root of all evil.
Beneath the dark river
water steals my breath.
Dying here so young,
awaiting rebirth.
The cleansing doesn’t come.
Soaked and solemn in the sun,
I loosen wet ribbons.
Original
I have chosen a dense dress
that covers my ankles.
Forcing down my budding breasts
puts the pastor at ease.
In my mind I am the virgin Mary.
With ribbons, I tie back red,
the root of all evil.
Beneath the river dark
water steals my breath.
Dying here so young,
awaiting rebirth.
The cleansing doesn’t come.
Soaked and solemn in the sun.
I loosen wet ribbons,
nothing more to be done.