03-23-2013, 05:02 AM
Thanks for the Feedback sorta new to this stuff.
(03-23-2013, 04:47 AM)DoReMi Wrote: I think this is a really emotional and passionate poem, I definitely feel the pain, it's very evocative. I think there are a few stylistic issues. In the first line "what am I to do?" should be a new sentence (at least, it is a new clause, so if not a full stop, there should be a semicolon in place of the comma). When you say "I feel oppressed", I think this could be expressed without reference to an abstract emotion - maybe write how the oppression feels, rather than just that it's there. Also, the third line could be condensed - it feels a little run on... Something like "Tell me you yearn for me too. I stand by watching, shamed." seems to scan better.Thank you for the reply.
Definitely I think the emotional voice in the poem is very strong though.