But A Fantasy, Still
#23
(03-31-2013, 01:05 PM)trueenigma Wrote:  
(03-31-2013, 01:01 PM)trueenigma Wrote:  
(03-31-2013, 12:51 PM)Volaticus Wrote:  The way I meant it when I wrote it, was that their 'dancing, in unhinged grace', is 'a kind of addiction'/'fiction'.
"We're dancing in unhinged grace,
A kind of addiction. Or might it be fiction?

In that case this is better, as far as the grammar is concerned.
I believe you could still keep the hyphen after addiction, if you wanted to connect the two thoughts. Just a matter of changing a period into a comma.

I hate to say it but the idea of suggesting the dancing is fictitious doesn't really make sense. "or is this fiction" would work but is a bit abstract, suggesting perhaps the while poem is fictitious, while "A kind of addiction- or is that fiction" would suggest that the addiction may be fictitious, which would make a little more sense.


If you write a revision, well you post it? I'd be interested in seeing what you do with it in the next draft.
About L3.. I've come up with this instead: "A kind of addiction, as if it was fiction." But I'm not sure if it just has the same abstraction problem?
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Messages In This Thread
But A Fantasy, Still - by Volaticus - 03-27-2013, 11:15 AM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by UnicornRainbowCake - 03-31-2013, 08:12 AM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by Volaticus - 03-31-2013, 08:28 AM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by Volaticus - 03-31-2013, 10:08 AM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by milo - 03-31-2013, 10:12 AM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by Volaticus - 03-31-2013, 10:25 AM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by milo - 03-31-2013, 10:28 AM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by trueenigma - 03-31-2013, 10:54 AM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by Volaticus - 03-31-2013, 10:38 AM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by Volaticus - 03-31-2013, 10:59 AM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by trueenigma - 03-31-2013, 12:39 PM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by trueenigma - 03-31-2013, 12:45 PM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by trueenigma - 03-31-2013, 12:55 PM
RE: But a Fantasy, Still - by Volaticus - 03-31-2013, 12:42 PM
RE: But A Fantasy, Still - by Volaticus - 03-31-2013, 12:51 PM
RE: But A Fantasy, Still - by trueenigma - 03-31-2013, 01:01 PM
RE: But A Fantasy, Still - by trueenigma - 03-31-2013, 01:05 PM
RE: But A Fantasy, Still - by Volaticus - 03-31-2013, 11:36 PM
RE: But A Fantasy, Still - by Volaticus - 04-01-2013, 07:56 AM
RE: But A Fantasy, Still - by Volaticus - 03-31-2013, 01:00 PM
RE: But A Fantasy, Still - by Volaticus - 03-31-2013, 01:04 PM
RE: But A Fantasy, Still - by trueenigma - 04-03-2013, 01:57 PM



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