Chiromancy

[Truerenigma]

Edit 1.5

Chiromancy

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent sun seeping,
Diluting the screen of dark:
Forms emerging...
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Concealed by beads and
Woven thread:
Bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.


Hi crep,
a nice edit. To swap fungible terms with milo, there is now a lot more right than wrong...in fact, it has buffed up nicely. I would quite imploringly ask that you drop the 19th century habit of capitalising every line.It was never a good idea and has been pushed to extinction in the last 50 years. It serves no purpose and can be confusing. As you will know, I like meter, rhythm, rhyme and form in poetry...but have to make do with crumbs these days...as here. I am tired of hearing myself say sayi "Please do not think you have written a poem if all you have done is break text into random line-outs"
You have written:
You woke AND smiled AND
I smiled back.

Why and-and? Why the line break? What has it added to the piece?
As there is no attempt at rhyme or meter you are unconstrained:

You woke and smiled;
I smiled back

So yes to the concept, the gestalts, the cameos, perhaps the imagery...but sadly, I cannot get poetry out of it.
Does anyone care? Probably not
Best,
tectak












Original:

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent blushing sun
Penetrate the room.
Nebulous forms emerging,
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Eclipsed by beads and
Woven thread:
Rascette, augmented.
Etched from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

Yep. I missed it. I associated S2 L8 with scars and membranes related to birth. Why Carved from Venus to the moon, are these palm lines? If so wouldn't the cuts be on the wrist, not the palm?