04-13-2013, 04:37 PM
I'm guessing that you're quite young, and from the sounds of things just getting into poetry. This is just the sort of stuff I wrote in high school 
The poem itself, I actually quite like. Yes, the topic is overdone but if there is something you really want to write about, write about it! The kind of rhythm your poem has is a lot like rap, and I wonder if you could see ways to improve it simply by reading it in your head more like an Eminem song than a traditional poem.
Where you say:
"Of course not, it is a shame
We know the media is to blame"
I feel like shame isn't really grand enough for what you're describing - it's more than a shame, surely?
The line, "Like the ancient Romans, watching killing for sport" doesn't really work for me in this poem, since it makes it seem a bit young. You could probably word it a little differently to show some background or depth to your understanding of why ancient Romans liked to watch this kind of thing, or simply by phrasing it differently, e.g.
'Like a Roman at the Colosseum,
We watch killing like it's sport'. Playing with the idea of viewing the news as sport could also be interesting.
Now, as for the topic... you actually do have a slightly more interesting, clever and less-used thread running beneath the surface of your poem, as seen in the line "We do not condone it, yet we watch it". A lot of people are thinking about the way that people these days at least seem to be getting more and more willing to watch (and enjoying watching) really disturbing things, e.g. the movies SAW and Human Centipede, more violence just generally being shown to all ages, more graphic footage on the news. This could be an interesting way to take a couple lines.
The other idea you could think more about is the one you expressed when you said ""Of course not, it is a shame, We know the media is to blame". You could extend this a bit and talk about the amount we are all exposed to and influenced by media, and the way media misrepresents the world.
Overall, a very good start! Keep writing
The poem itself, I actually quite like. Yes, the topic is overdone but if there is something you really want to write about, write about it! The kind of rhythm your poem has is a lot like rap, and I wonder if you could see ways to improve it simply by reading it in your head more like an Eminem song than a traditional poem. Where you say:
"Of course not, it is a shame
We know the media is to blame"
I feel like shame isn't really grand enough for what you're describing - it's more than a shame, surely?
The line, "Like the ancient Romans, watching killing for sport" doesn't really work for me in this poem, since it makes it seem a bit young. You could probably word it a little differently to show some background or depth to your understanding of why ancient Romans liked to watch this kind of thing, or simply by phrasing it differently, e.g.
'Like a Roman at the Colosseum,
We watch killing like it's sport'. Playing with the idea of viewing the news as sport could also be interesting.
Now, as for the topic... you actually do have a slightly more interesting, clever and less-used thread running beneath the surface of your poem, as seen in the line "We do not condone it, yet we watch it". A lot of people are thinking about the way that people these days at least seem to be getting more and more willing to watch (and enjoying watching) really disturbing things, e.g. the movies SAW and Human Centipede, more violence just generally being shown to all ages, more graphic footage on the news. This could be an interesting way to take a couple lines.
The other idea you could think more about is the one you expressed when you said ""Of course not, it is a shame, We know the media is to blame". You could extend this a bit and talk about the amount we are all exposed to and influenced by media, and the way media misrepresents the world.
Overall, a very good start! Keep writing