Resurrection (second edit)

[Magpie]

Thanks for commenting I also like the line "the perpendicular tremor", but I just thought that is was too abstract, that's why I left it out. I'm obviously having trouble finding out what images are too abstract and which are not. Could I ask you if there were other images you liked/disliked? It would be a great help to me, for the next edit

"In hives of familiar scent." I also thought was a good line that never made it through.
Also in the first draft, perhaps I was wrong but, the mention of "original" sin and then the mention of "The garden inscripted", I thought were biblical references. The Garden of Eden?
And considering the poems obvious reference to sex "The Garden of Eden" seemed like an appropriate image to allude to. But in the edit there is a shift away from this towards images of the sea.

Thanks for your insight. I had not thought about that "the garden inscripted" could be a biblical reference, but now that you mention it, it does give out that vibe. It was only the first stanza that I deliberately put a reference to sex in though. In your opinion, do you think I should make another edit of the original, and then scrap the first edit I made? I think that's what I'm leaning towards, considering the comments I've got.

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The words are kind of chunky, which makes it difficult to even say, let alone understand, maybe try watering
down, diluting it. Write the lines out in simple sentences with lots of "those" "and" "then" "the". Just make it all easy to say out loud, then take out the ones you don't need, but keep the ones that connect the thoughts.

Thanks for the feedback, trueenigma I didn't realize it was that chunky, so thanks for pointing it out. I will definitely try your suggestion, in the next edit. Could I ask for your opinion, perhaps? Do you think I should make the second edit based on the original, or based on the first edit?

Yes I would definitely use the original as basis for a new edit. I understand why your first edit came out the way it did, because of a need to correct the metre, but try not to sacrifice to many of those good images and lines that were the shining beacons in the original.
Look forward to reading your new version.