05-06-2013, 10:31 PM
hi ambrosial, thanks for sharing.
I really enjoyed this, loved the beginning, the description of the old man, and the hints at the problem of senility without its mention. it took me for a spin, and I didn't quite expect to end up where I did in the 3rd stanza. personally that part felt... preachy, to me. it just missed the mark, but it could be salvageable. I felt like the words got lost in the ideas. or the ideas got lost in the words... or maybe both? also the "s" alliteration didn't work for me. anyway I thought the concreteness of the rest of the poem was too stark of a contrast.
hope you can fix this one up because the rest is totally worth saving. =]
-cloudy
ps Heart, can you post a link to that documentary? sounds interesting ;D
I really enjoyed this, loved the beginning, the description of the old man, and the hints at the problem of senility without its mention. it took me for a spin, and I didn't quite expect to end up where I did in the 3rd stanza. personally that part felt... preachy, to me. it just missed the mark, but it could be salvageable. I felt like the words got lost in the ideas. or the ideas got lost in the words... or maybe both? also the "s" alliteration didn't work for me. anyway I thought the concreteness of the rest of the poem was too stark of a contrast.
hope you can fix this one up because the rest is totally worth saving. =]
-cloudy
ps Heart, can you post a link to that documentary? sounds interesting ;D
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.