05-06-2013, 11:40 PM
Hi Heart,
Thanks for the kind comments, I'm glad you liked it.
The comment you left regarding the documentary kind of reminds of when I first showed my Granda my laptop and the internet and he thought it was amazing, on the same I showed my friends 3 year old daughter the same thing and the look in her eyes of wonder was exactly the same as my Granda, 90 years difference but exactly the same reaction. Priceless.
Thanks again.
AR
I think you are right about the 3rd stanza, and I not quite sure what happened, originally as I wrote it on paper today the end read,
How beautiful.
How magical.
I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the day.
But as I typed it out I obviously thought it needed something extra, and to be honest, it was a really hard poem for me to write from an emotional point of view. And I kind of just wanted away from it, so I never read it through before I posted it. But now that I've just read it through again it doesn't make sense. For some reason I had the impression that it was by far the best stanza, but now it's so obvious that it's the first stanza that is the best. I will edit it as I originally wrote it as mentioned above and then see what feels right. Thanks for your honesty it is much appreciated.
By the way I've noticed a few of your posts and the Dylan quote intrigued me. I was thinking it must be a Dylan tune I've never heard.
So I decided to look it up and realised that I did sort of know it, "Idiot wind" from "blood on the tracks" but it was always a tune that I never really listened to that much, mostly because I was obsessed with 3 tunes on there "simple twist of fate" "shelter from the storm" and "your gonna make me lonesome when go" but since the other day I can't get enough of "Idiot wind" it's in my head constantly, and I feel foolish that I never realised how good the lyrics were in it. So for this I thank you.
Thanks again for the comments on the poem.
AR
Thanks for the kind comments, I'm glad you liked it.
The comment you left regarding the documentary kind of reminds of when I first showed my Granda my laptop and the internet and he thought it was amazing, on the same I showed my friends 3 year old daughter the same thing and the look in her eyes of wonder was exactly the same as my Granda, 90 years difference but exactly the same reaction. Priceless.
Thanks again.
AR
(05-06-2013, 10:31 PM)justcloudy Wrote: hi ambrosial, thanks for sharing.Hi cloudy thanks for your kind comments,
I really enjoyed this, loved the beginning, the description of the old man, and the hints at the problem of senility without its mention. it took me for a spin, and I didn't quite expect to end up where I did in the 3rd stanza. personally that part felt... preachy, to me. it just missed the mark, but it could be salvageable. I felt like the words got lost in the ideas. or the ideas got lost in the words... or maybe both? also the "s" alliteration didn't work for me. anyway I thought the concreteness of the rest of the poem was too stark of a contrast.
hope you can fix this one up because the rest is totally worth saving. =]
-cloudy
ps Heart, can you post a link to that documentary? sounds interesting ;D
I think you are right about the 3rd stanza, and I not quite sure what happened, originally as I wrote it on paper today the end read,
How beautiful.
How magical.
I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the day.
But as I typed it out I obviously thought it needed something extra, and to be honest, it was a really hard poem for me to write from an emotional point of view. And I kind of just wanted away from it, so I never read it through before I posted it. But now that I've just read it through again it doesn't make sense. For some reason I had the impression that it was by far the best stanza, but now it's so obvious that it's the first stanza that is the best. I will edit it as I originally wrote it as mentioned above and then see what feels right. Thanks for your honesty it is much appreciated.
By the way I've noticed a few of your posts and the Dylan quote intrigued me. I was thinking it must be a Dylan tune I've never heard.
So I decided to look it up and realised that I did sort of know it, "Idiot wind" from "blood on the tracks" but it was always a tune that I never really listened to that much, mostly because I was obsessed with 3 tunes on there "simple twist of fate" "shelter from the storm" and "your gonna make me lonesome when go" but since the other day I can't get enough of "Idiot wind" it's in my head constantly, and I feel foolish that I never realised how good the lyrics were in it. So for this I thank you.
Thanks again for the comments on the poem.
AR
wae aye man ye radgie