Jess Land Sum

[James]

Geez man I only meant like a tip or two on it (puncuation). Can you elaborate on how you found it clichéd though?, I don't understand. Also the same with my word use, what exactly about it was incompetent. I don't really get offended easily, but I'd like for you to at least give examples to go along with your crit on it, instead of just saying there's something wrong, I'd like to see why you thought that way. And get a grip on myself? Im sorry that I asked for a little help on punctuation, theres no need to attack the poet personally for it. And once again, with moot pieces, and little poetic merit, this is full of poetic devices that I actually spent time writing, elaborate on that, because from here it looks like your saying that just because you didn't get it. And i'll try to find someone that could possibly help me with minor tips on punctuation, and maybe repost it.

Thanks,
-James

Hi james,
First, punctuation. Here is a randomly chosen "block" from your piece, as you wrote it.Is the punctuation good?

Just, say, Don't, doubt, The hundred year Drought will Bind into the air Once your mind Paints in astral colors It's not there But this bridge between Our lands of rooftops With eyes and streets Where the red is dye, Is opening a crack To sprinkle the start, It showed it's crippling palms, So lost, void, It may have just Fell apart

Line breaks do not punctuate. Ever. If you edit this and repost you will only make it better.

Word use: Fallen apart.
" Will evermore be proned" Check "prone"
concreate. concrete
seep trough the underchair. through.
denote of the sickle soar. denote? Nonsense.

There is much of a similar vein which detracts fom the message.

I don't EVER try to "get" a poem. If it is clear I am happy with the concept, if it is unclear I am not...but the crit is the same. If you cannot see what I see....you don't "get" it either
Best,
tectak
Edit and we will go at it again...or leave as is and go home happy. Your poem.

I will edit this soon, but one thing. Okay I understand that I used fallen apart, I did that so that I can still leave the reader parts that are easier to understand. What you did was criticise my entire word use, you cannot sit here and tell me that line in particular is a good representation of the whole. If you think that I should just make the whole thing as complicated then fine, I didn't know it was that much of a problem. Concrete was entirely my fault on misspelling, thank you for telling me that. "Seep trough the underchair", again a spelling error, not that serious to say that the entire word use is incompetent. And "denote"? Look it up, wait I'll do it for you
Definition of DENOTE
1
: to serve as an indication of : betoken 2
: to serve as an arbitrary mark for

" to serve as an arbitrary mark for the sickle soar"
The sickle soar?
The entire 4th stanza was about that, the sickle was her tongue, and the soar came from all that it closely encountered, the point of the "denote of the sickle soar" Was the meaning of the after affects of being close to her.

I may have worded that wrong, what I meant to say, was the problem with putting something down because you don't understand it. It was more directed at you not understanding the metaphors and such, so you said basically that they weren't there.

I apologise if I sounded rude with this, I really do appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment on my work, your completely right in punctuation, and I'll put my best effort into improving it. Also if you have any other lines that you thought were nonsense then I'd be happy to tell you more or less what it meant.

Thanks again man, I really appreciate it, and I'll make sure to show you this again once its punctuated better,
P.S. Have a good trip