The desk at war

[Keith]

Edit 1

Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line strapped to the rail,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
guns held high, knives at their side,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

Original
Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line ready to jump,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
running down ramps, guns held high,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

I like the metaphor in the opening stanza, and how it works with S2 "folded arms". But I found myself struggling to relate the other nouns and items to office supplies, and getting frustrating, feeling that the metaphor was failing apart: what are the clouds? How do staples have knives and guns, what is this supposed to compare to. Is it a sea of paperwork?

Then I realized that it was the title that was bothering me; the metaphor ended with the folded armed paratrooper on the dive, being launched as staples from a staple gun held up in the air. This is not a poem about the desk a war. I had the metaphor backwards. I think you should change the title.

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Edit 1

Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line strapped to the rail,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
guns held high, knives at their side,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

Original
Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line ready to jump,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
running down ramps, guns held high,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

I like the metaphor in the opening stanza, and how it works with S2 "folded arms". But I found myself struggling to relate the other nouns and items to office supplies, and getting frustrating, feeling that the metaphor was failing apart: what are the clouds? How do staples have knives and guns, what is this supposed to compare to? Is it a sea of paperwork?

Then I realized that it was the title that was bothering me; the metaphor ended with the folded armed paratrooper on the dive, being launched as staples from a staple gun held up in the air. This is not a poem about the desk a war. I had the metaphor backwards. I think you should change the title.

Thanks for the feedback I'll have a think about that. Much appreciated TOMH

---

Edit 1

Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line strapped to the rail,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
guns held high, knives at their side,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

Original
Soldiers inside the staple gun,
deployed by unseen hands,
always one more, ready to go.

In-line ready to jump,
fold their arms as they leave the plane,
dropping through white clouds.

Uniformed beach landings,
running down ramps, guns held high,
plunging into breaking seas.

Onward they march, relentless,
integral to the war machine,
and the beat of its linear heart.

Heavy on metaphor, but I cannot connect with the staples.

That's good to know thanks for letting me know, I guess I just saw something there that linked staples with soldiers, disciplined, march in lines, always one ready to take the place of one that's gone, strong made of steel, jumping from planes one after the other, stuck together as one unit, etc. Thanks TOMH