A Pocketful of Dragons
#6
(06-09-2013, 09:44 PM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  Hi TOMH,
I really enjoyed the imagery in this, the first stanza reminds me of all the times that I sat round camp fires and the smoke seems to follow you no matter where you sit, also I like the detail of the creosote fence.
I didn't get the title at first but I'm presuming the dragons are fireworks, also the first couple of times I read it was in my head but then I read it out loud and then I noticed all the clever rhymes.
Sorry not much of a critique more of an appreciation, thanks for the read.
AR
Funny I'm a smoke magnet too I was always the one with red eyes. Thank you for your kind comments. TOMH

(06-10-2013, 05:40 AM)cidermaid Wrote:  First off i must comment on the title which i thought was great. It immediatly put me into mind of chinese new year firework pageants with all the drama of a great show....this then was backed up by your story of childhood drama and showing off, which did not dissapoint.

Our fireside seat a melting sofa, Must admit I did not get this line untill I read the other comments, but I liked it before well enough, even without knowledge of the personal account.
dragged back from the raising heat,
spuds bake at the red embers edge,
wood stocks fed from creosote fence,
wind change chases smoke into eyes, All the above is good solid images i can relate to but something in this line niggles me. Like the image and the use of alliteration. I think perhaps the bounce is lost in "smoke into" Maybe (just a off the cuff suggestion) make a bit more of the title by having smoking eyes (chasing the dragon and the red smoking eyes & nostrils an all that sort of good stuf ?!)
streaking lines down amber faces.

Roman candles, ready for flight
burst the night in hand held arcs,
dark shadows circle the flames, spitting
tracers that claim the backs of runners,
coats flapping in the battle field air,
blackened we fall to our molten lair. Love all of this last stanza. really evocotive of childhood fireworks memories.
Was a good read thanks for shareing. AJ.
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Thanks for stopping by AJ I'm afraid I can't claim the title it is one of Leanne's when we had to put up titles and others would write a poem.

I think your right about smoke into I will have a look at it and you've given me some great ideas, so many thanks your comments are always greatly appreciated. Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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Messages In This Thread
A Pocketful of Dragons - by Keith - 06-08-2013, 08:23 AM
RE: A Pocket full of Dragons - by Bunx - 06-09-2013, 12:55 AM
RE: A Pocket full of Dragons - by Keith - 06-09-2013, 04:31 AM
RE: A Pocket full of Dragons - by Magpie - 06-09-2013, 09:44 PM
RE: A Pocket full of Dragons - by Keith - 06-10-2013, 07:29 AM
RE: A Pocket full of Dragons - by cidermaid - 06-10-2013, 05:40 AM
RE: A Pocketful of Dragons - by milo - 06-10-2013, 12:36 PM
RE: A Pocketful of Dragons - by Keith - 06-10-2013, 03:35 PM



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