08-03-2013, 02:23 AM
I prefer the shorter lines and the absence of ellipses.It's a nice poem, either way.
Think you need punctuation at the end of the opening line - a dash, preferably. Against the grain, but you may be right. Dashes (single) and I do not see eye to eye--but it's worth a try.
Who will claim the greatest pleasure
now that they have swapped a tear? - who's crying and why? Child cries for attention...old man not crying. Old man distracts child who stops crying and old man cries over old memories. They swap a tear.
Is there a reason that the child precedes the man in verse 3? I'm all for symmetry. Not sure what this means. My fault. Help. In this piece I say "mem/rees"
You're playing fast and loose with the syllable count in memory/memories! Agreed.
Thanks for all. I will workshop a workaround. Credit.
Best,
tectak.
Think you need punctuation at the end of the opening line - a dash, preferably. Against the grain, but you may be right. Dashes (single) and I do not see eye to eye--but it's worth a try.
Who will claim the greatest pleasure
now that they have swapped a tear? - who's crying and why? Child cries for attention...old man not crying. Old man distracts child who stops crying and old man cries over old memories. They swap a tear.
Is there a reason that the child precedes the man in verse 3? I'm all for symmetry. Not sure what this means. My fault. Help. In this piece I say "mem/rees"
You're playing fast and loose with the syllable count in memory/memories! Agreed.
Thanks for all. I will workshop a workaround. Credit.
Best,
tectak.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.