Bird (edit 2)

[makeshift]

Edit 2

Passing

Somber sparrow,
still on the cross walk,
like hollow drift wood,
swept ashore by night's tide.

I realize you.

Frayed feathers, ant drowned eyes, and
the subdued pulse
of your struggling chest.
I realize you,

if only for a moment.

On the fly,
the street light glows white
we pass.



Edit 1

Passing

somber sparrow,
lying limp on the cross walk,
like hollow drift wood,
gently swept to shore by night's tide.

I realize you.

Your wispy feathers
caught in the corner of my eye.
A rolling car disturbs the air,
dawn's dim sun struggles its way through pale clouds, and

I realize you,

if only for a moment.
A dull moment as I span the white striped street, and
the distance between us
swiftly subsides.

Soon,
we will pass.

Alright, this is more of a complete rewrite then an edit I guess, but I didn't think the first one was salvageable. I tried to write this one a bit more like how I would write prose as I thought it would result in something with more substance. I'm happy with most of the imagery but am a bit concerned with the rhythm as its fairly free form atm, also I fear my word usage may not be as economical as it could be. I think I've lost the simplicity of the original. I doubt this will be the finale version :3 but for now I happy with it. Appreciate all feedback.

Original


There was no mourning
for the bird this morning;
Laying limp on the cross walk.

I simply passed him by.
Didn't bother with goodbye,
was in a hurry
on the fly;

as always.