08-08-2013, 03:15 AM
Ah yes, I thought something smelt fishy when I posted this! I posted the rough copy at the time i was so eager to release my work that editing was once or twice look, but not to be mistaken for over confidence. Although this may have been a rough work, a lot of the things you cited were not changed on my final draft, and I am glad you saw the symbolism as I thought I truly had gone crazy from the insomnia.
1. I agree that page breaks should be frequent, although at the time of writing this I wanted most parts to be read in a swift motion, like one sentence.
I agree that it does not enhance the read as much, but that is my opinion.
2.My evergreen trees,
The blooming light violet on cherry trees,
whistling emerald green grass,
even the clothes on your back! "This verse feels like it's the tail end of a thought you haven't shared with us. "Even the clothes on your back" what? What are you saying that these things you list are, or represent, or whatever?"
Another way to write symbolically, it's ok that you missed this one too.
My evergreen trees, (as I look out my window when I cannot sleep, these are in a sense some o my possessions and I try to be as differant from the night as possible. By being different from it, that means embracing bright colours that are impossible to see in the night
The blooming light violet on cherry trees,
whistling emerald green grass,
even the clothes on your back! (I like this line myself as it shows that even we are targeted by night, all the lines listed before were targeted by night because of night's jealousy of the sun. The sun represents it's own artist, giving colours and inspiring youth and when it leaves, night comes and showers over us with oppression.)
3. The word "Night" was purposely supposed to be capitalized as it brought the reader back to the point of the poem! the poem centers around the night and it's oppression, trickery and jealousy. Although the "Cold is the night" line was not capitalized, that was the pattern breaker which will be fixed.
Sun is also not capitalized even at the beginning of a new sentence to show that sun has become so useless during night's reign.
4. When insomnia makes it's rounds through cities and towns, "Good rhyme of "rounds and "towns"."
to gaze up at the deceitful silvery glows of stars stretched across my home. "This line and its predecessor are clauses of a sentence which isn't resolved. What happens when insomnia makes its rounds to gaze up at the glows?"
On the contrary, "to gaze up at the deceitful silvery glows stretched across my home." is the aftermath of insomnia. When I find myself in a state of insomnia, I look out my window at the stars and while doing so start to first wonder about the star's meaning:
To shed light? Because the previous sentence hasn't been resolved, this sounds like a non sequitur.
An aftermath of the sun's departure. I like the idea that night is day's aftermath, which I think is what you're subtly suggesting here.
A dark box stretched out past a rainbows "Rainbows" needs an apostrophe, as it's a noun being used in a possessive context. range with holes poked through to prevent suffocation!
Once you understand that line, then this one just complements it very nicely, with the primary spelling mistakes, don't you think?
I do not fear or quiver. "This line may be more striking if it was its own sentence."
Also if this line were separate as it's own sentence, I don't think it would have made much of a difference other than a page break. That would simplify it to a "stand up to problems" type of cliche line. I have read many modern poems with unnecessary page breaks of a single line to represent one passage, and to me it seems too cliche.
Other than these adjustments that you have cited, I have no other inquiries into the citation of my poem.
-Green Ink
1. I agree that page breaks should be frequent, although at the time of writing this I wanted most parts to be read in a swift motion, like one sentence.
I agree that it does not enhance the read as much, but that is my opinion.
2.My evergreen trees,
The blooming light violet on cherry trees,
whistling emerald green grass,
even the clothes on your back! "This verse feels like it's the tail end of a thought you haven't shared with us. "Even the clothes on your back" what? What are you saying that these things you list are, or represent, or whatever?"
Another way to write symbolically, it's ok that you missed this one too.
My evergreen trees, (as I look out my window when I cannot sleep, these are in a sense some o my possessions and I try to be as differant from the night as possible. By being different from it, that means embracing bright colours that are impossible to see in the night
The blooming light violet on cherry trees,
whistling emerald green grass,
even the clothes on your back! (I like this line myself as it shows that even we are targeted by night, all the lines listed before were targeted by night because of night's jealousy of the sun. The sun represents it's own artist, giving colours and inspiring youth and when it leaves, night comes and showers over us with oppression.)
3. The word "Night" was purposely supposed to be capitalized as it brought the reader back to the point of the poem! the poem centers around the night and it's oppression, trickery and jealousy. Although the "Cold is the night" line was not capitalized, that was the pattern breaker which will be fixed.
Sun is also not capitalized even at the beginning of a new sentence to show that sun has become so useless during night's reign.
4. When insomnia makes it's rounds through cities and towns, "Good rhyme of "rounds and "towns"."
to gaze up at the deceitful silvery glows of stars stretched across my home. "This line and its predecessor are clauses of a sentence which isn't resolved. What happens when insomnia makes its rounds to gaze up at the glows?"
On the contrary, "to gaze up at the deceitful silvery glows stretched across my home." is the aftermath of insomnia. When I find myself in a state of insomnia, I look out my window at the stars and while doing so start to first wonder about the star's meaning:
To shed light? Because the previous sentence hasn't been resolved, this sounds like a non sequitur.
An aftermath of the sun's departure. I like the idea that night is day's aftermath, which I think is what you're subtly suggesting here.
A dark box stretched out past a rainbows "Rainbows" needs an apostrophe, as it's a noun being used in a possessive context. range with holes poked through to prevent suffocation!
Once you understand that line, then this one just complements it very nicely, with the primary spelling mistakes, don't you think?
I do not fear or quiver. "This line may be more striking if it was its own sentence."
Also if this line were separate as it's own sentence, I don't think it would have made much of a difference other than a page break. That would simplify it to a "stand up to problems" type of cliche line. I have read many modern poems with unnecessary page breaks of a single line to represent one passage, and to me it seems too cliche.
Other than these adjustments that you have cited, I have no other inquiries into the citation of my poem.
-Green Ink