Untitled poem from a new poet...

[alatos]

It's not cool to title a piece 'Untitled'. Give it a title and get feedback on it (don't put Abba in it). You can write about whatever moves you, so don't apologize for it! I read this as more existential than religious anyway. There is no objection to describing something in multiple metaphors or images without restating things over and over. The result is a great deal of redundancy. The first two stanzas could be trimmed to a version of:

I will take off these clothes of flesh and bone
and plunge into inconceivable abyss…

I do understand that you are creating internal dialog and drama with some repetition. However, there is too much. Abba came from a thesaurus. Folks are not trying to make fun of it, but it is hard to believe that this was your first choice. I would have closed with the first time you said, 'Joined with my Origin, sorrows cease.' Keep working on this with all of the input. You are very fortunate to get so much feedback!

Thanks! This was a very, very helpful critique! Abba actually was my first choice, trying to show a sense of intimacy with God.