09-10-2013, 07:32 PM
(09-10-2013, 07:23 PM)newsclippings Wrote:Hi news,(09-10-2013, 07:12 PM)tectak Wrote: The red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway.
Smoke gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue .
I like this. You're a cowboy, leaving consonants out of the ends of your words. Okay. A little tacky for me at first, but I'll put myself in a western.
The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day;
while one dry mile across the prairie Devil’s Dancers pranced and flew.
"God's rest-day" seems a bit awkward. "Cans and bottles" maybe a little redundant and forced to keep the meter.
Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild
and killed the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.
This 'ere is a'turning into one mighty fine story. I feel a country jig a'comin' on.
We looked to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash,
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash.
Twice ah fell and twice recovered. I ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”
A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a loose caboose.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned , He cut me loose.
I can't figure out if this odd capitalization here is purposeful. Maybe my critique is premature.
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies.
tectak
2011
I like how you take on starkly different personas for every new piece you create. For me, it's hard to put on a new face, because poetry does something different for me. I admire this in you.
I appreciate the work you did on this one. What is it, an octameter? Good on you.
Also thinkin' on a cowboy reciting poetry, well it makes me blush.
Good to hear from you....nah, I'm a Yorkshire/Clydebank cross!
My avatar (thanks billy) is supposed to be Lingua in Maxillam. Thanks billy.
I don't try too hard but I get what I get and this is Pirates of Penzance stuff...Model of a Modern Major General...iambic octameter.
I wrote this one and lost it about four years back. The recent discussion about gerunds with volaticus spurred me on to find it. The only capitals are when giving a god reference out of reverence...apart from those required by grammar. Note. I posted in haste but did a little on-line editing to finalise. You got in sideways!
Best,
tectak