09-11-2013, 12:42 PM
(09-10-2013, 07:12 PM)tectak Wrote: The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day;
I think the colloquial g-dropping conflicts with the poetic hyphenated "rest-day". It takes me out of the narrative.
while one dry mile across the prairie, Devil Dancers pranced and flew.
"Devil Dancers" isn't a term I've ever heard of. Is this term contemporaneous with the flame-painted Chevy below?
A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway.
Haze gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue.
"Gingered"? Also, "sky-line" makes me think urban, not prairie.
Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead.
You may want to think about the olfactory angle too, not just visuals. Grass fires have a very distinctive smell detectable from very far away.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild
Again, I feel a conflict with the colloquial tone and "sepia". If I can assume an American prairie-dweller is relating the tale, it takes me out of the narrative.
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red.
I think "around" would sound more accurate than "about" in American western usage.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.
As above, I think "slope" sounds more accurate than "incline". Maybe "down the slope; a cracklin' demon" to preserve the meter.
We peered to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash,
"We peered to where" seems awkward. "Peered" at least. I would think squinting since the smoke is already tearing their eyes per lines above.
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate.
My suggestion is "with crimson flames painted all over". Sounds more natural, and is compliant with the meter if you will allow a single trochee at "painted".
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash,
I read this line and thought of Festus on Gunsmoke. I don't think "a'cookin" would be contemporaneous with the Chevy.
twice ah fell and twice recovered; ah ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”
"Ah" doesn't quite capture the accent unless the narrative was placed in the deep (old) South, but I can't think of a better way to represent it.
A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose.
I suggest "blast o' heat". Not long-O, but like "uh"
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
A lot of trochees there before the semicolon.
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned, He cut me loose.
Some minor Festus there with the "dreadful".
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies.
I usually dislike exclamation points, but I think you should try one out after "you couldn’t take me".
Praise the Lord.
tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9