Faith i t American God edit 2.0 eileen, news, true, billy, svan, chris,milo, erthona

[tectak]

Seems ta'me, as if'n ya learnd yer dielect frum som moovee or sumptin. Gadam uppity urpeans ahwaz thinkun dae be knowen better'n utter peepholes! No one sez "ah" cept Curly in "Oklahoma" (the movie not the state).

A very nice re-rendering of the conversion of Paul/Saul (of course he was still pretty much an asshole afterwards, just in a different direction).

Jes fer hizstorcal aucuracy Lucy-fer was only menchened once en de old testeemint, Eye-sayah refrenced a Baby-lone-kneeian king as such. Doncha know?

The "American God" (as is mentioned in the title) is generally understood to be a Calvinists God. This does not mean it actually is, or that there is even an American God, but generally when God is used in such things as the 'pledge of allegiance', and on the money 'in God we trust', it is the Calvinists God that most people think of, not a generic any-god that would be all inclusive. So I think it is a valid reference.

All in all a good tale with which I generally have no problems, except your handling of the dialect, which is about on par with Dick Van Dyke's cockney accent in Mary Poppins.

Dale

It's a goddam pome, for chrissakes. Ah ain't no Dick van Dyke. Now that dude could speke up cockney like spekin in tongues!
Yes...I know...I am inadequate to the task! I figure if nothing else this is laughable...and that's enough for me. More vernacular would only show me up as a dang dilettante.
You want to rewrite it in American? Be my guest. I just liked the bizarre conversion!
Best,
tectak

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[Image: http://i.imgur.com/QGTZJHn.jpg]


The boys were shootin’ cans and bottles, drinkin’ hard on God’s rest-day;
while one dry mile across the prairie, Devil Dancers pranced and flew.
A red thread flickered thin and broken; king snake on a hot highway.
Haze gingered up the ripplin’ sky-line forcin’ eyes to rise to blue.

Copperin’ light brought mis-hit curses; one by one the guns went dead.
Above, like eagle wings unfoldin’, thick sepia smoke teared eyes turned wild
and fledged the sun with feathered plumin’. All about, the land turned red.
The snake came windin’ down the incline; cracklin’ demon, Satan’s child.

We peered to where the Chevy shimmered, hiss-hot in the swirlin’ ash,
with crimson flames all painted on her, lookin’ like she knew her fate.
We’re runnin’, runnin’ over tinder, lungs a’cookin in the dash,
twice ah fell and twice recovered; ah ran ‘til someone screamed “Too late!”

A vengeful blast of heat roared forward, hit me like a shunt caboose.
Bein’ Sunday, my God found me; He struck me down and peeled my eyes,
seared off my scalp and left me naked. Dreadful burned, He cut me loose.
Ol’ Lucifer, you couldn’t take me, seems I beat the Prince of Lies.

Praise the Lord.

tectak
2011
A convert following a prairie fire. Youtube 2008-9

Well cowboy, I did have some trouble roping this wild mustang, breaking her and riding it through on my first read! It has got to be difficult writing in a new vernacular and it's hard to review one. I'll hand that to you. I wasn't sure if that was a brush fire or a horde of red-skins for a moment, but that hissin’ Chevy straightened me ayess out, plus another read.

I did notice that most of dialect was created by droppin' the 'g' off all gerunds, but not too much else. Wait, there’s an ol and ah. However, thar ain’t no ain’ts gonnas or gotchas (or thar's), dun didn’ts, da’s, yeehas, naws. One obvious one I see for your pome is ‘thin and broke’. No cowboy ever says 'broken'. Also you could use ‘cross in line 2; deayd for dead, ‘bove, chile for child, were for where, neck’d for naked, we’s for we. Oh thatsa ‘nother thing, many ed words can be ‘d, makes em read faster and red-neck-er. You can also do a 'sum-un' for 'someone'. However, too many of these could render the poem hard to read. Moreover, your manner of speech seems red-necked western enough. Oh, ‘Dreadful burnt’ would be a good one for you.

You have a couple of extra spaces ‘tween ‘–line’ and ‘forcin’ and ‘in the’ and ‘swirlin’’ Overall though, I found the piece very entertaining, thanks for postin’ ponder!

I almost forgot to ask: I missed your use/meaning with 'mes-hit' and 'shunt caboose'.

You're a gas poet man! /Chris

Hi chris,
Thanks for your comments.
mes is a typo. miss-hit.Corrected.
a "shunt caboose" is a construction. The caboose is the "gaurd's van" at the back of the train...I am sure you new that. A "shunt caboose" should really be a shunted caboose, that is an unattached (unbraked, uncontrolled) piece of rollin' stock pushed into a required location then left to free-wheel. For future reference, chris, check the definition of gerunds.
Best,
tectak