09-15-2013, 02:36 AM
Hi ella, i think I am finding the use of "same" has more meaning and possibly i am getting why you cannot let it go. For me the connection between the same footpring / blueprint to grow that is vital. The idea of the dreams and plans of one generation being passed on and yet somehow never materalising that forms the vital connect and flow between these two short poems. I like these as they have a slightly mystical touch in the imagery and yet it feels very plain and everyday in the story line.
I don't have any crits as such but would perhaps mention that the last three lines of the 2nd winter stanza seem lacking in the same richness as the other lines. A bit blunt perhaps, this is not a bad thing as such and it works as a stark statment of the facts...but does feel a little at odds with the rest of the work. This said I really like what you have done here.
Thanks for the read and some great editing work.
AJ.
I don't have any crits as such but would perhaps mention that the last three lines of the 2nd winter stanza seem lacking in the same richness as the other lines. A bit blunt perhaps, this is not a bad thing as such and it works as a stark statment of the facts...but does feel a little at odds with the rest of the work. This said I really like what you have done here.
Thanks for the read and some great editing work.
AJ.
(09-10-2013, 07:22 AM)ellajam Wrote: edit #3
Winter
your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection
half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy
Spring
Alice's daughter
has planted mom's favorites
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline
counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
still red geraniums bloom