One Night (edit #2)

[ellajam]

edit #2

Huddling to plan
their escape, they skipped
small town fireworks,
headed for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days.

Hair forced into style
little dress over long legs,
she kisses her boy goodbye,
promises to win him
a small stuffed toy,
leaves her phone home.

They walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree,
love and lust jersey heat.
Girls eye him, guys eye her
young and gorgeous,
out late but not
as late as expected.


yaaahh, my ability to punctuate is rusty to say the least

edit #1

huddling
getaway planned
town fireworks skipped
they head for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days

hair forced into style
little dress over long legs
she kisses her boy goodbye
promises to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

Original

huddling
they planned their getaway
foregoing small town fireworks
dreaming of the shore
of strolling arcades
pre-baby days

hair forced into style
little dress over long legs
she kisses her boy goodbye
promising to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

I like all three of these, my favorite is edit #1. My only suggestion is to take notice of the tense. The first verse starts in present tense (huddling), as if to say they are planning at this moment, then skips to past tense (fireworks skipped). It seems to me that 'huddling' could be changed to: In huddle/ Through huddle/ Heads together/ etc. Overall, I think it's an original piece and I like it.

Thanks for reading, Chris, and for your comments. I'm finding editing confusing at times and really appreciate opinions on which edit works best. Any opinion on punctuation?