10-04-2013, 03:52 PM
Marcella,
Ah tricky, I thought you had messed up until I realized you were using the secondary pronunciation of "winds".
Actually, this is a clever approach to this form, creating a midnight's summer dream effect (bringing dreams to jolt and thrill) rather than trying for a specific message, or a story telling. So even though as any villanelle, it seems to sag under the weight of the repeating lines, it does not contain those fatal flaws. This is like an expressionist painting, in that it conveys an image that contains an emotional tone. It is the line "moonlight's trail 'cross waters still" that gives it this dreamlike feel, despite the fact that what is being portrayed is fairly mundane, such as "owl's hoot and barn wren's trill". The weak lines for me are
"seeking strength and finding will
new plans drawn from hearts and minds"
which seems a bit pedantic, and at odds with what has preceded it, and that which follows.
Also,
"illuminate white wing and bill
swans' grace sails through life's groans and grinds"
starts out well, but " through life's groans and grinds", is not only back to the philosophizing, but is not supported by the rest of the poem, and seems very ad hoc.
I think staying with a kind of dream-like image painting would create a stronger poem, in fact probably one of the few approaches to make sense for this form, as only someone like Dylan Thomas seems to have the cleverness and skill (and luck) to use this form to make a philosophical statement (although thousands continue to try).
I do like the possibility of what you have so far.
Dale
Ah tricky, I thought you had messed up until I realized you were using the secondary pronunciation of "winds".
Actually, this is a clever approach to this form, creating a midnight's summer dream effect (bringing dreams to jolt and thrill) rather than trying for a specific message, or a story telling. So even though as any villanelle, it seems to sag under the weight of the repeating lines, it does not contain those fatal flaws. This is like an expressionist painting, in that it conveys an image that contains an emotional tone. It is the line "moonlight's trail 'cross waters still" that gives it this dreamlike feel, despite the fact that what is being portrayed is fairly mundane, such as "owl's hoot and barn wren's trill". The weak lines for me are
"seeking strength and finding will
new plans drawn from hearts and minds"
which seems a bit pedantic, and at odds with what has preceded it, and that which follows.
Also,
"illuminate white wing and bill
swans' grace sails through life's groans and grinds"
starts out well, but " through life's groans and grinds", is not only back to the philosophizing, but is not supported by the rest of the poem, and seems very ad hoc.
I think staying with a kind of dream-like image painting would create a stronger poem, in fact probably one of the few approaches to make sense for this form, as only someone like Dylan Thomas seems to have the cleverness and skill (and luck) to use this form to make a philosophical statement (although thousands continue to try).
I do like the possibility of what you have so far.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.