10-12-2013, 01:07 AM
It's beautiful! I particularly liked the verse about oranges.
My only other thought would be to change "danced" to "dancing," but then I looked at it again and realized that would bump it from 7 syllables to 8. So perhaps it's better as it is.
I also wanted to point out that 'cross is working better for me now as I read the second version. I think since the rest of the lines are more polished, I don't actually mind the poetic word. ^_^
Seriously, that bit about oranges as stars. Wow.
My only other thought would be to change "danced" to "dancing," but then I looked at it again and realized that would bump it from 7 syllables to 8. So perhaps it's better as it is.
I also wanted to point out that 'cross is working better for me now as I read the second version. I think since the rest of the lines are more polished, I don't actually mind the poetic word. ^_^
Seriously, that bit about oranges as stars. Wow.
-Lexi