Nightwalking (title change, edit #3.2 (Todd)

[milo]

hello Ella. I do love a villanelle!

edit # 1 (thanks to FractalPacifist and Erthona)


Moonlight's trail 'cross waters still
slipped through strung and slatted blinds,
danced upon my windowsill.

I see you picked to end on still so it would mesh with your other refrain in the end, but it produces a recurring inversion which is both difficult to parse and a little annoying. In addition, I don't really get "strung and slatted" blinds. Are these just regular blinds being described in an awkward but slightly metric way?

Bringing dreams to jolt and thrill
the sparkling path on ripples winds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still.

Someone once gave me the advice not to use 2 verbs for a single object in poetry. Do you really need both jolt and thrill? It reads quite awkward. Also, you are lacking an antecedent for "bringing". Exactly what /is/ doing the bringing of dreams here?

Midnight's gleam, a room to fill
through a crack a moonbeam finds
danced upon my windowsill.

Punctuation might clear up what this stanza is trying to say but in its current form it is tough to parse. Is Midnight's gleam (which I dont even know what that is) dancing upon your window sill?

Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
connected to this earth that binds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still.

which earth? oh . . . this earth. not the other earth, taht clears it up. What is doing the binding here? Are you saying that these noisy birds are somehow connected to the earth(?)

Orange stars roll down the hill
gray mists have built, their scented rinds
danced upon my windowsill.

there are orange stars rolling down a hill and the rinds from these stars are scented and dancing on your windowsill?

Illuminating wing and bill,
swans' grace brought forth in hearts and minds,
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still
danced upon my windowsill.

Through the whole poem I have a difficult time tying your nouns and verbs to the correct object/subject and I think it is mostly your twisted syntax and odd punctuation. I would ofer suggestions if I could figure out what you are trying to say.

The whole, for me, comes across as a confused amalgam of descriptions with no actual point but I might be mistaken.