Nightwalking (title change, edit #3.2 (Todd)

[milo]

Thanks, milo, I smiled at each of your points, quite a mess, eh?
It had major problems when I started and my edit may have made it worse, or just a different kind of bad. Guess my attempt at punctuation didn't help either. I'm not even sure which version to work on. Thanks for so much ammo.

hello Ella. I do love a villanelle!

edit # 1 (thanks to FractalPacifist and Erthona)


Moonlight's trail 'cross waters still
slipped through strung and slatted blinds,
danced upon my windowsill.

I see you picked to end on still so it would mesh with your other refrain in the end, but it produces a recurring inversion which is both difficult to parse and a little annoying. In addition, I don't really get "strung and slatted" blinds. Are these just regular blinds being described in an awkward but slightly metric way?

If ending on still can't work it's a done deal. I'll think on that deciding whether to edit or abandon. Is it the strung or slatted or both that stink, I had wooden at pne point, maybe I can work with that.

well, it is tough to make it work as an adjective without using enjambment unless you are happy inverting over (and over) again. You could use it as a noun. (might even be able to do something with moonshine = moonshine lol) like still of the night or whatever.

Bringing dreams to jolt and thrill
the sparkling path on ripples winds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still.

Someone once gave me the advice not to use 2 verbs for a single object in poetry. Do you really need both jolt and thrill? It reads quite awkward. Also, you are lacking an antecedent for "bringing". Exactly what /is/ doing the bringing of dreams here?

I thought jolt and thrill where okay together because they evoke different feelings for me, I could try to find a word that means jolting thrill. 
The sparkling path of moonlight is bringing the dream, not obvious, huh?

for me, jolt and thrill seem similar, but it is just awkward diction and it almost always reads like metric padding. now maybe "jolting thrill . . ."

Midnight's gleam, a room to fill
through a crack a moonbeam finds
danced upon my windowsill.

Punctuation might clear up what this stanza is trying to say but in its current form it is tough to parse. Is Midnight's gleam (which I dont even know what that is) dancing upon your window sill?

No midnight's gleam, milo? no starlit glow in the dark? I've tried punctuation here, didn't seem to help a bit, either because it's hopeless or my skills just suck

I will tell you that I don't care for midnight's gleam for 2 reasons - first, it is a bit of a red herring. You and I both know that the gleam doesn't change from 11 o'clock or 11:30 or even 1:30, so midnight needs to have some significance to your central metaphor and I just can't find it. The second reason is that it reads a little trite. As for the punctuation, sometimes it helps to eliminate all of your line breaks and read through it. Areas that aren't clear may need some punctuation (or perhaps some editing)

Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
connected to this earth that binds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still.

which earth? oh . . . this earth. not the other earth, taht clears it up. What is doing the binding here? Are you saying that these noisy birds are somehow connected to the earth(?)

I almost laughed out loud. I was saying those noisy birds and the rest of us are bound to the earth. I don't mind that but "this earth" is just bad

Orange stars roll down the hill
gray mists have built, their scented rinds
danced upon my windowsill.

there are orange stars rolling down a hill and the rinds from these stars are scented and dancing on your windowsill?

Yes, and the hills are made of mists. Just a bit of whimsy.

I don't know if you are pulling off scented rinds here

Illuminating wing and bill,
swans' grace brought forth in hearts and minds,
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still
danced upon my windowsill.

Through the whole poem I have a difficult time tying your nouns and verbs to the correct object/subject and I think it is mostly your twisted syntax and odd punctuation. I would ofer suggestions if I could figure out what you are trying to say.

The whole, for me, comes across as a confused amalgam of descriptions with no actual point but I might be mistaken.

or you might not be mistaken, it surely wouldn't be the only bad poem I've written, but I've been having fun trying to make something work here.

I really appreciate the time you've taken here and hope the next one I post makes a little more sense. But don't put money on.

I wouldn't give up. You may as well edit, after all, what else are you going to do. I am willing to rol up my sleeves and help if you want.