Bodybuilder

[tigrflye]

This is a poem about bodybuilding. It's called "Marble Eyes".
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My cousin knew a sculptor long ago,
perfection occupying every thought;
if not ideal his work was all for naught,
and through his work his dedication'd show.I don't like dedication'd
The finest marble'd make his pieces flowor marble'd
into a life their own. Yet still he sought
this visioned form - At last, no more he fought;
his masterpiece was wrought, prepared to show!
And yet, despite the contours of the stone,
the years of slaving, beating at his trade,
the sculptor found a single imperfection:
he'd never quite displayed its woebegoneI'm not sold on woebegone
spirit. Its graven eyes, yet soundly made,
could never understand its own reflection.

I like this one. If you hadn't told me it was about a bodybuilder though, I never would have made that connection. I think it bumps right along with nice flow and rythm until the word "spirit".. screeching hault.
I also do not like the d's on line 4 and 5. I get the feeling you did this because you didn't want to rhyme "showed" with "flow". In my opinion, just rhyme flow and showed..or rework those lines..

He used the finest marble, carved to show
his drive to make the frigid pieces flow
into a life their own.

Just a suggestion. I don't actually know if you "carve" marble..or chisel. . Chisel doesn't fit as well with the line as it is. Just thoughts, take whatever you want from them

-jenn