Bodybuilder

[tectak]

Version 3.5
(only edited the sestet for 3.0)
(re-wrote octave for 3.5)

Bodybuilder

My cousin knew a man who worked with stone;
for years he slaved to master his profession.
Seeking to show his sculpted stone expressions
supplied him skills the world had never known. The meter is all over the place and you should now look at this area.Consider rephrasing L2 "who slaved for years to master his profession" Why? Because otherwise it could be your cousin who slaved.
He'd sneak away at night to work alone
as passion slowly turned into obsession,
his search for perfect art into depression, words that end in ion are French derivation. They are legion.Its you decision, avoid derision, seek precision, in your mission....aw the hell with it.They make for temptingly cheap rhymes much loved by rappers...and they become an addiction.See?
a near recluse, his fingers worked to bone.linking recluse to worn fingers is not natural.
Pursuing vanity, the sculptor fled,
appreciation almost all but lost. Tautology. "Almost" means "all but"
Away he chizzled loving wife and son, Very bad construction as is the next line. In fact, what the hell did he chisel? Chizzled? He chiselled his wife? His wife and son? He chiselled them together or apart? Very confusing for me and, I think, for you.
his marble idol took her place in bed.
Deceiving ego justified the cost...What cost? Who did he pay? The stone merchant I guess...who knows. How was ego deceived? Oh dear, I AM confused
What's "greatness" worth when all is said and done? I wondered why the quotes round greatness then I figured it was to distract the reader from the thump of the cliche hitting the floor.

Hi pinsir,
Good go at the edit but you rewrote yourself into riddles. Some of the rhymes are cheap and mostly irregular. The meter is like falling logs. If you write this out as a block of text (forget the meter for now) you will see all kinds of peculiar phraseology and bizarre punctuation. Sort that out first. Now get the meter ticking. Watch out for pesky anapests on end of lines. ob sesh un. Although good for galloping rhymes in long, complex lines, they bring heartache to the unwary...which is why I write in long lines I need time to plan my ends, not my beginings. So do you.
Best,
tectak




Version 2.1

Bodybuilder

My cousin knew a sculptor long ago,
perfection overwhelmed his every thought;
if not the best his work was all for naught
and through his work his dedication showed glowed.
The finest marble made his pieces flow
into a life their own. Yet still he sought
this dreamèd form – “At last, I’m done!” he thought;
his masterpiece was wrought, prepared to show!
And yet, despite the contours of the stone,
the years of slaving, beating at his trade,
the sculptor found a single imperfection:
he'd never quite displayed its overgrown
intent. Its graven eyes, yet soundly made,
could never understand its own reflection.



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Version 1.0

My cousin knew a sculptor long ago,
perfection occupying every thought;
if not ideal his work was all for naught,
and through his work his dedication'd show.
The finest marble'd make his pieces flow
into a life their own. Yet still he sought
this visioned form - At last, no more he fought;
his masterpiece was wrought, prepared to show!
And yet, despite the contours of the stone,
the years of slaving, beating at his trade,
the sculptor found a single imperfection:
he'd never quite displayed its woebegone
spirit. Its graven eyes, yet soundly made,
could never understand its own reflection.