11-01-2013, 12:27 AM
Todd: i appreciate the advice. I'll keep it in mind next time; I'm done rewriting this damn thing!
Tectak: thanks. i'll try to be less vague.
the meter in lines 3-4 is kind of off. Though, I've never read a sonnet with PERFECT iambic pentameter (inversion, feminine endings, all that crap). Cut me some slack :p
Legion, decision, derision, precision, mission, addiction. I wouldn't use those together. The ROOTS of the words I chose (profess, express, obsess, depress) actually rhyme just fine.
Now, it's about a bodybuilder who took his work too seriously, his family left him, so he killed himself. There are tons stories of bodybuilders' wives/girlfriends leaving. Or "workaholics" in general. Maybe someone, somewhere can relate :/
I'm gonna go write about muscle-bound hoplites fighting Carthaginian war elephants now...
Tectak: thanks. i'll try to be less vague.
the meter in lines 3-4 is kind of off. Though, I've never read a sonnet with PERFECT iambic pentameter (inversion, feminine endings, all that crap). Cut me some slack :p
Legion, decision, derision, precision, mission, addiction. I wouldn't use those together. The ROOTS of the words I chose (profess, express, obsess, depress) actually rhyme just fine.
Now, it's about a bodybuilder who took his work too seriously, his family left him, so he killed himself. There are tons stories of bodybuilders' wives/girlfriends leaving. Or "workaholics" in general. Maybe someone, somewhere can relate :/
I'm gonna go write about muscle-bound hoplites fighting Carthaginian war elephants now...
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!