Whiskey Epiphany (revised)

[Charlesjoseph]

This is definitely a strong example of a poem getting stronger by reducing. It's looking really solid now and I'm liking plenty of the elements. Of what remains, there's really only one slight critique I can offer

And although I feel like a tree
That has been hollowed out into a canoe
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.

--could better be--

And although I am a tree
That has been hollowed to be a canoe
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.

--or--


And although I am a tree
That has been made a canoe ---- this might work better just because it makes the reader place in 'hollowed out' for them self. Engagement like this is good, me thinks
I have acquired screaming spirit wisdom
from the excavated pulp of my endeavor.


Like some of the other critics here, I'm not sure it needs 'feel like'.

Not trying to fight the system here but the "feel like" Works because during my massive week long hangover. I ACTUALLY felt hollowed out like a canoe. (Holy shit i put the truth in my work) But don't worry Brendan Chazz gave up on the bottle for good, gonna be 40 soon, this midlife shit is for the birds
Cheers
Chazz