Would appreciate your feedback

[Todd]

Would appreciate feedback on this poem. Thanks.


Old Age

This day dwells in darkness, doubting itself,
And when night falls no one notices –
Not the black dog sleeping in the alley,
His twitching feet running in his dreams;
Not the languid lovers behind striped curtains,
Mistaking the other’s limbs for one’s own;
Not even the bright-bloused lilies,
Their thin necks straining upward,
Like shorts-clad tourists in the town.


This day, weary of countless demands,
Full of encumbrances,
Has worn you to the edge of life.
While no one was watching you dwindled away.
Your languor, listless like the days,
Your curtained eyes unfocused.
Like the evening dreading the sunset
You linger and gasp,
Bending down towards the night of mourning

With the minor nit (and this is a style choice on my part) of cutting the second him in L4, this is one of the better poems I've read on here. It seems publishable right now. Sorry I couldn't find any issues with it, probably a poor effort on my part.